You'll See

If I can grab hold of that twinkle which appears from time to time when I'm lucid, I know I can overcome whatever's got a hold over me. Or maybe this is just how life rolls sometimes. Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe wanting is creating this suffering. Maybe resistance is the true culprit.

How do I let go or give in? And how do I know the difference and when to do either? A thought crossed my mind...I think I'd be perfectly fine to be on my own. I'm the high priestess. I'm a witch...standing in my kitchen in the middle of a forest that no one would dare go to. I'm her...staring out the window, catching wind of a herb, concocting some poultice to soothe this aching heart.

People are cruel. I'm cruel. I don't know why. If it's in me, it's inside you. But not today. Today, I am alone in this place, in my kitchen that's adorned with plants and surrounding space, with warm turkish carpets. There's no room here for greed, power or lust. I have everything I need, anything I could ever want.

Here, I am content with what I already have. I take my time getting to know myself in this lot. There is no you. There is no him. There is no her. Nor them. It's just me and a fire. It's just me and some birds. It's just me and the rain. It's just me and the moon. It's just me and some sparkles of sunlight. It's just me and my pen, my paints, my brushes, my inks, my books, my thoughts, my love.

Do you know how sacred this place is? Do you know the power I have in my hands, this power that comes from God, himself? Do you understand that the problem lies in wanting all the wrong things? Do you get that you've forgotten the truth about things? Do you understand how insensitive and monstrous you've become in the name of the American dream, the first world dream? Don't you see how you've failed? How nothing awaits you on the other end when it's all over and you cease to take in another breath?! 

I take an herb, some resin and oils...and I muster up whatever grace that's left in me to bring about the rise of good over evil. The fake mighty will fall once again. Some of us have always known the truth. You'll see. Unfortunately for you though, it shall be too late.

As for me? I'll still be standing in my kitchen going about life in the usual way, giving thanks to this opening, this opportunity, with a smile in the corner of my mouth.

Dragon Blood

I remember why I stopped going to 'alternative' cafes and crystal shops. The people who work there, minus one or two, are total flakes. Please forgive me. And the guy that served me? What a moron. When someone's got it, they've got it. Sincerity oozes out. It's unmistakable. I just finished paying $13 for an oatmilk cappuccino and a small cookie and he couldn't even muster up some grace! Never again. These guys ruin it for the healing movement. 

I've been there, done that. He reminded me of a guy I worked with at a vitamin store many years ago. Pre-Covid, you might have thought these guys were odd then but during Covid, you came to realize just how completely enveloped they are by conspiracy theories! Total right wing nuts! Not lefties, at all. They lack compassion and are so far up their own asses, they've forgotten just how elitist they are, all those things they claim to be against. 

They are in total denial. They think going to a retreat is going to shield them from their own stupidity. All that fake positivity is toxic. Why did I come here? They sell magical room sprays...but I can bet my life that they have no real understanding or desire to learn what those oils together, along with an intention, can really do. It's all just superficial nonsense.

I asked this guy to confirm the cost of the room sprays, whether they were all $20. And as he made his way around the counter to the shelf to check, he said, "The price is on the bottom." I picked it up and said, "Great, thanks." And do you know what this ass-hole said, "That's what the sign says." That alone almost made me walk out. I should have.

I said, as I headed back to the counter to pay for my order, "Well, you know how it is with signs. They're not always clear." He must have heard my tone and proceeded to be nicer. Too late!

Pretentiousness and I do not mix. Back in the day, I would have swallowed that kind of arrogance and pushed down my voice...because secretly, I thought these people were better than me. Not anymore. 

They're all just wearing masks. Like me. I should pity them. Time to head home and use my dragon blood...

Loss

I want to reach out but I'm afraid. Afraid of being pushy or too forward, loose and perceived as a desperate woman. I can't win in a losing game no matter how much effort I expend. 

I suppose this is what's called Temptation. I want a taste of a nectar I've never had in the whole of my entire life. It's difficult to admit that to myself. I feel like a loser. 

It's one of those catch-22's. Either way I go, I end up losing something. The past is gone. I have to face the music that blares, "That ship has sailed, woman!" I should probably keep this all close to the chest. Yet, this is me being creative, connecting with my muse or my inner child. I've got to give it a voice so I can come to grips with these emotions, so I reconcile this underlying pang...of grief? I must be mourning a loss...a loss so big, it encompasses areas of my life that will never be. How do I make peace with it? Tell me.

I envy those who make it look so easy, who stumble and give way to it...because they want what they want when they want it. I've never been that person. Maybe, it's faulty wiring. If I could just shift perspectives, I'd have my way. But, at what cost? Don't people realize there's a price to pay for e v e r y t h i n g ?

I can't bare hurting anyone, especially those I love who in turn, love others. It's a circle that, once broken, can never be made whole again. 

So, I miss him. I miss how I felt when I was around him. I miss the familiarity when I stood next to him. 

What does it matter, anyway? This is just me sitting on a cloud in the sky. Sooner or later, this cloud will evaporate. May the green leaf man save me from feeling the blow of a hard ground once more...

My Birthday

Today’s my birthday. I’m going to treat myself to a margarita. Or maybe a daiquiri. I’m going to sit by myself and dream about all those things I’ll probably never do. I’ll whisper my wishes to the wind in the hopes they’ll be carried closer to an angel’s ears. And then I’ll wait and ask myself how I got here. This longing will never leave me. On good days, it tastes like honey. Wait, no. It tastes like ripe peaches. On bad days, I’m looking for a white flag to save me from the abyss. Why did you make me this way? I see a void in people’s eyes. There’s no one home. Even when we’re talking, I’m looking for something else and I can’t find it. Though if you ask me what I’m looking for, I couldn’t tell you! But, it’s not this. I know why you made me this way. It’s so that I turn to you and away from them. In another time and place, I’d live exactly the way I want to. I’d find my way to your room. You’ll undress me with your eyes and I’ll feel like the most beautiful thing in the world. I’d wrap my legs around you and you’d take your arms and hold me close. Then you’d take your left hand and squeeze my backside. But, tenderly and not like some brute. I’ll remember how life doesn’t imitate art and just like that, I’m pulled back into this world...where your room is not in our house...but in someone else’s, someone I don’t know, someone who isn’t at all like me. You’re nothing like him, either.

Crumbs

I can feel it slipping away...a kind of feeling or maybe it's a knowing...a knowing that something has most definitely slipped away. I blinked and there it was...gone. And then it has me wondering whether it was ever really here. How much can you mean to someone if you don't hear from them? It simply can't be much.

I'm in that space of absence. You know...when the absence is so big, you can feel it take up more space than it should. The sun doesn't make it better. It just magnifies this space and the absence it occupies. That's where I am right now. No one hears me. At least, not the living. 

I ought to not give it a second thought. I should tell myself to snap out of it, that I always knew better. Those moments were tiny reprieves from the sink hole. I tell myself to be grateful. It's hard to muster gratitude when something's gone. It's even harder to muster gratitude when you realize people were going through the motions. They didn't add anything of real substance or value to the interaction. I understand how we're all passing through. But, my ego, won't let me be thankful. 

It sucks when you invest more of yourself. It sucks when it goes unnoticed. It sucks that we don't know how to receive. It sucks that we're not present to receive. I dislike how people talk out of both sides of their mouth. Who are we? Who are you?

Ah, what does it matter? I rolled over and blinked and suddenly don't care. I slipped in the shower last night and the fall jolted me from my stuper. Some awakenings are real blessings, the way they come out of nowhere and help you see in a new way. And yes, some awakenings are still blessings even when they shake you to your core. Thank goodness for the ones we can bounce back from. 

I bounced back. I have a spring in my step and a smile on my face. I'm entering a new phase now, one that helps me see my worth and what I'm capable of, my independence, my strength. You can't imagine how much I don't need you. I can imagine how much you don't need me either. Time can do that - show you who you are, who people are, why people do what they do, why they say what they say. Time can show you the meaningless of some things while simultaneously demonstrating the meaning and value of everything else and all those things you take for granted, all those things that aren't shiny and new anymore. 

Commitment and loyalty have to stand for something. For better or for worse has to mean something. It does mean something. You have to bring meaning to it.  Otherwise, you're just some feather in the wind looking for something that doesn't exist. You're looking for something out there. What you're really looking for is what's already inside. But, there aren't any frills that draw you to that space or place so you fail to see it, access it and therefore, develop a kind of relationship that would open your eyes to the illusion of this reality we've created. 

Don't hurt the ones you love. The grass isn't greener on the other side. You don't have time to waste when you're in your 50's or 60's. If you want something, you have to attain it in the right way because there is a wrong way. And the wrong way can never be right no matter how much you want it to be. Your feelings don't matter. Your thoughts about it don't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter. All that matters is the way in which you do something, in the way in which you carry out your plans. And, if you make happiness your goal, you'll always be disappointed.

I'm not for rent. I'm worth more than your crumbs. All the money in the world won't make me lower myself so you can have your cake and eat it too. 

Two Worlds

I won’t let myself go there. Except when I find a tear, an opening, in the air. I stretch it out and wide to find a way in and away from here. You should see how beautiful this place is. No one tells you what to do or how to behave. There is no talk of God or religion. It’s just you and that space where the landscape changes just because you wish it to. 

There’s that tree again. And another tear in the air that I stretch out and wide and in I go. Now it’s me in a castle by the window overlooking the forest and the ocean in the distance. Your voice which was faint over there is so clear over here. Oh how I long for thee. In this dream. This dream of mine, I dare not bring you into. You’re right at the periphery just outside the line, the door. I won’t let you knock because I’ll have to let you in. But then I get scared I might not let you in at all and hurting you would feel unbearable to me. 

I catch a glimpse of you and your arms. I’ve never seen arms like that before. And your hands? Forget it. I can’t go there. Not even here where I think I’m in the clear and safe. Someone’s always watching even if they're not listening.

I take a needle and thread and stitch this hole up real nice. No one gets in and no one gets out. I miss you. I like knowing you’re in the world though not in mine. 

Staying Put

Is something going to give? It feels like one setback after another. Yet, I see the good things too. And I'm still learning that just because you get what you want, doesn't mean it's a good thing to have!

Here I am again, longing for what isn't. It's tiring. When all was perfect, I still found something to complain about. If I could turn back time, if I could slow time down, I'd taken that time to appreciate the little things. A quick glance would have become a long gaze. A shower would have turned into a bath. A text would have been a phone call...

I blinked. I just blinked and twenty years went by. I still wouldn't have had children so no regrets there. Have you seen what some parents look like these days? They go from not knowing who they are to raising little beings. 

But, who knows? Life would be a lot different if I had chosen another coloured pill. I suppose there isn't any point in speculating or guessing. It truly is what it is...and perfect despite its imperfections.

I know I shouldn't want. I know that wanting is suffering. Gosh, how easily things come to people when they want something. Religion doesn't factor in their decision-making. Not concepts of right and wrong. Not even what it might feel like to hurt another person in one's attempt to get what they want. And why? Because we have needs ? It sounds so pretentious and greedy...and selfish. 

Now they want us to believe that being selfish, putting myself first, in spite of my desires, is a good and selfless thing. It isn't. It can't be. It's just another human trying to justify his behaviour. And I'm not evolved? What a fool you are...you who will turn grey and old and perish.

You'd better believe there are things I want now I didn't want before. But, it won't be me to change things. I'll leave that all to something bigger, higher and ultimately wiser than me. There's nothing else I can do.

April 20, 2012

Today is the 13th year anniversary of my mugging. I've come to some realizations since then. 

While we might remember other people's birthdays and deaths, no one is going to recall the day when death came knocking on your door and you survived. Not one person.

You'll have to remind them and by reminding them, it sounds like you're looking for something, some kind of gesture that shows they love you, that they value who you are, that you have value to them.

If I had died that day, I'd forever be remembered as sweet Grace, a woman who had been taken away too young. 

There are no celebrations for survivors, victims of abuse and tragedies. The world continues to turn in its usual way. Today, we'll shed a tear, maybe even tomorrow. But then, we are forgotten. It isn't intentional, it's just another day...about me and my loved ones...about you and yours.

Isn't that why it's so unnerving when a painter becomes famous after death? Your work isn't noticed while you're living and breathing...unless you've got some luck on your side and not because you're really good at what you do.

I am observing this glorious Easter Sunday, this one single moment at a time. I'll give myself all the love I never got. I'll take a moment to notice the trees and the sky and let myself be swept away by them. Love is always readily available to me, to you. Just look and soak as much of it as your body will allow. 

My mind resists. It wants to go to that place of self-pity because misery loves company. Why am I looking for some grand gesture? My family isn't capable of giving it. I'm not even sure I'd know what it looks like. What I do know is that I can feel so small to the point of invisibility as though I weren't really here.

What irony. Yes, it's true. We take eachother for granted. We're all to blame and yet, we're blameless, too. This space doesn't operate in a sphere of winners and losers. We all suffer in some way. We all experience grief. We all handle darkness in our own way.

Expectation is a killer of spirit. 

The heaviness that has persisted since the new year is slow to lift. Oh god, I pray for some light, some relief. I'm strong but not that strong. I've got my own ailments, my own angels and demons I'm wrestling with.

Maybe the light comes in the form of divine intervention at just the right moment. I shouldn't minimize the significance of these happenings just because the result isn't what I think it should be or look like.

April is full of joys and sorrows. I also celebrate my 20th anniversary as a clinic manager for the same employer. I tell myself that expectation is a killer because my anniversary came and went and my boss gave me nothing. That isn't to say that nothing is coming, only that it didn't come on the day it should have. 

It brings up too much for me. The idea that I devoted twenty years of my life to the same person and not get anything when it counted the most, while I'm also experiencing the loss of my father-in-law, the deterioration of my partner's health, is heartbreaking, just so utterly, fucking, soul-crushing. 

Some expectations are meant to be had, if only to show yourself what you're willing or unwilling to continue with, to put up with. When someone stays where they aren't valued the way they feel they ought to be, it's time to leave. I learned that when you stay it's because you don't feel you deserve better. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to see this. I can't turn back time. I am grateful for all of it despite what I might be sharing here to the contrary.

It's time to turn the page for fuck's sake. It's time. 

Deaths

You just disappeared. Where are you? Is your absence intentional? Is it all in my head? Is there a way of proving my hunch? Or will I not care to wonder three months from now?

Time makes everything turn to yellow. Time will make me forget that I even had such negative thoughts. Or, it'll make me laugh at myself for having put energy into a lost cause, maybe an undeserving one, too. 

Right now, I perceive you as cold, as someone who enjoys listening to themselves talk. I don't get why it should hurt this much. 

Life's fragile. We're so busy protecting ourselves and our things, our lot. You hurt me. I know you didn't mean to. It's my fault I gave you time that should have been reserved for someone and something special. Because time, I'm learning, is a precious commodity. Don't you think so?

I'm surprised you could do that to me. That you could just ignore me. That you could toss me away so easily. It's strange. I don't understand. Though I get there's nothing really to understand!

I'm mourning so many things. One chapter after another is coming to a close, a definitive end, and like everyone else, I can't stop these endings.

Grief brings me closer to that isolating place and sometimes, its grip feels suffocating and unrelenting. I used to think it was death thst took away. It isn't. Life does all the work. Life gives and it takes away. 

Those endings that are abrupt while a person is still alive, are heart breaking. Just as with physical death, you're never quite prepared. 

You brought sunshine. And now I'm back with the moon again. I've always belonged to the moon. You reminded me of that.

I bid you farewell. May this world bless you and yours.

1996

The quality of work out there has gone to shit. The things that come out of young people's mouths at work should be grounds for dismissal. The quality of listening is so poor too. They can't even get the part where I said, "For here", right. 

One of these guys reminds me of Adam. I can see now just how full of himself he was. Oh my. We were as young as these guys are here now. We thought we had the world in the palm of our hands. But he couldn't afford a coffee and only ever bought me a single herbal tea the entire two years I knew him. Oh, please. What a cheap ass mother fu*ker. I can't believe I combed his Robert Plant hair!!

Every sentence is a run on with the word 'like' occupying too much space! Or the word, 'sick' to denote that something is great. And now, "I smoked a wicked one last night." Please be quiet. And of course, they're all either actors or musicians who think they're god's gift to the world. People will say I'm just jealous. I am not. I am nothing like these guys are now nor like the guys of days gone by. I was decades past. And that's why I suffer. 

Whether they're mature or immature, whether they're on the left or the right - both equally messed up - they lack depth! They lack soul! They lack vision! 

Actors are the worst. I've been around them for such a long time. It's all recycled personality bullshit disguised to look like talent and meaning. 

Oh my god, the horror of the situation is staring at me in the face as the light from the turning ball above adds emphasis to an already frightening realization - that most of us are all dead inside. 

The Flutter

I know what goes through people's minds when they see you sitting, time after time, alone at a cafe. They assume you are alone and they equate this aloneness with loneliness. Let me set this straight.

This is exactly where I want to be...here alone with my cappuccino and lemon meringue pie, including the thoughts I see form on my plate or in the cinnamon in my cup.

I like where my mind goes sometimes. This kind of peace that finally enters wouldn't be even remotely possible by sitting together with another person. Not that I don't enjoy the company of others. It's just that I need this space I've carved out for myself to recharge and refuel. Otherwise, I can't be good to me and I won't have enough of anything to be good to the other.

I cherish this time alone. I notice the blue of the sky. I hear the chirps of birds. I sense the churning of soil, can feel the anticipation of warm rain. Do you think that would be possible otherwise? Not unless I tuned out the person talking. But that would be rude, wouldn't it?

I choose this. I don't need you. I don't need him. I don't need anything except for what's always right here. I just have to sit quietly and observe. I just need to settle into myself.

Oh baby, you're the guy who's going to wish he'd married someone like me. But you were too busy spreading your seed to notice, too busy being the kind of guy I never had any interest in. And I was busy being the girl you see right now, busy growing into the woman you thought didn't exist. That's your problem.

It's not your fault you were raised in the usual way. It's not flattering or sexy knowing how many women you've been with. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It only becomes gross when all the women you slept with are judged as "worse than guys." I can't stand the double standard.

I don't even know why I care to argue given I was never the kind of woman to throw myself at some guy just because he had money. I make my own money. Always have. And then I found a man with similar values as mine. I can't expect a stubborn man like you to understand. You can't understand. It's not in your nature.

Now I have to wait for this fluttering to stop, a fluttering that began when I thought I might need you. Boy, was I wrong. 

We all make our choices, don't we? We get exactly what we deserve, whether we like it or not.

I got what I deserve. I'm so lucky, baby. I love how Mary leads the way, how she helps me see. 

Birds & Lions

I got my back. I know you have yours too. What are we doing? What's happening? Where is this leading to? Oh yes, right here. Again. It's just me sitting in a cafe feeling the light on my face, listening to voices around me...and the ones in my head.

It's too dangerous to move down towards my heart. I'm afraid it's going to whisper a truth I don't want to hear. It'll just mean another thought in my head I'll have to face eventually. And just like that, here it is.

What am I to do with this? You come in like a lion and leave like a bird. Either way, you don't belong here. You're not good for me. How can you be when you wreak so much havoc? 

Yet, you're missed. I miss you now. I hate you for that. My aloneness becomes my loneliness. How dare you have that kind of power over me? In a world filled with capitalists whose values cannot be rooted in anything good, what am I to do with this extra and unnecessary darkness?

The cards tell me my name is also Strength. I've got a kind of influence a man can only dream of. It isn't in his nature to recognize this sort of thing within himself...because he doesn't have it. I have it. I can cultivate it. I can enhance it. I can work silently and quietly behind the scenes and you would never know it. You don't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear. 

I do.

I have overcome. Do you understand what that means to overcome? I've got control of that lion, my friend. I dictate how things go. Not you. I'll have you purring in the palm of my hand instead of roaring. You won't see it coming. How can you? When I'm sitting quietly and lady-like in the corner of the room. 

I go to no one. In this case, it's much better to be wanted than needed. I need myself...and I've got her back.

Trajectories

I miss those days. I hate how time does that, how it takes and takes until there's nothing left to take...and for us to give. It's all gone.

Today we're sitting in the living room overlooking Lake Simcoe. The sun is shining. The water is sparkling. The birds are chirping. My father in law is saying something no one can hear. And today is now yesterday, last week, last month, last year...15 to 20 years ago! What?! How?! 

When you thought you had time and a lot of it, it was kind of true. But our existence is just a mish mash of all of these moments and most of these moments are not even remembered. So then they literally become polaroids, snapshots in your mind. 

Oh God. Dear God. My God. Can you hear me? How can you hear me if I can't hear You? You must be in the sea and the air. In the fire and the earth. You must be the sea, the air, the fire and the earth. And be all things, both animate and be in all things, inanimate. I don't have the eyes to see and the ears to hear. I'm sorry.

I'm stuck here because I was stuck over there and who says time isn't linear? In my mind, there's a sequence I can't escape. This is the trajectory. My trajectory...and I know where it goes and how it ultimately ends....for you and for me.

I'm not sitting on the dock by Lake Simcoe anymore. Except in my memory. If I'm blessed with more days, I'll be creating more memories. What kind of memories will they be? What of me will have participated in their creation? Our memories are made up of who we were when we lived them. 

I wasn't all that much. 

The Good

No one looks you in the eye anymore. We've been watching too much Dateline and 48hrs. Everyone's a crook. He's out to get you. So is she. And on and on it goes. You're lucky if you get a smile. Seriously, you are one lucky fool. If you make yourself available to catch one...while you're busy telling yourself how much the world's gone to shit, how people are bad to the core, how you're not one of them.

But, you are. You are one of them. When you complain how there aren't any good people left, they'll be saying the same thing about you. We dislike in the other what we dislike in ourselves. But, it's too much work to be this aware. Maybe even a little disheartening. 

There is good in this world. There is. Sometimes, you don't have to dig too deep. You just have to look up at the sky, take more than a glance at a tree or a flower. Then you'll notice the beauty. Though this isn't the kind of good I'm talking about or what most people refer to...

Where are the good people? Those whose goals extend beyond their careers and jobs? 

Beyond the roles they play and the duties they fulfill. 

I want to believe in, "As above, so below." Then I realized it's not all good. You have to take it with the bad, too. Heaven on earth? Good luck, babe! Heaven is a place where there aren't any humans! As long as we're alive, we're prone to mischief, deceit and temptation. I don't mean temptation in the usual, religious sense. 

Temptation comes in many forms. There's a space where the truth enters and time feels like it's stopped. When you go against this truth, against your better judgment, you're bound to pay a price. 

If we weren't so weak, so needy, so greedy, so fearful of aloneness and death..we'd stop chasing the almighty dollar. There's no real security in that. It was only ever supposed to be a means to an end. Now, it's 'the' ultimate chase but you get nothing in the end. There is no you. We're just ashes. Ashes.

Blowing in the wind, returning to the earth...I want more than this. I wanted to feel things I don't think I ever will. It's sad. I don't want to question someone's motives. I want to believe there's sincerity and genuineness in the words people use. 

I hope you can prove me right. Or is it, wrong?