Thanking The Gods

I'm glad this is over. I'm glad the anticipation of you is over, too. I don't wonder if I'll hear from you again. Whether you'll throw me a nugget of sweetness or sincerity. It's done. This is done. The end of the road has arrived.

Here I am at my destination. I take a seat on a rock by the sea. You're not the only one who loves the water, you know. And I can still be a city girl, while I think of stories to tell about a girl like me who belongs to the sea.

It must be Hariel who takes me to that place in my mind where I'm free. Where the truth of you is so downright plain, I don't wish to be near you. 

So what if you're generous? So what if you're kind? So what if you're funny? What does any of that matter when anyone and everyone can say the same things about you?

How does any of it make me special? Special...to you? That's right, it doesn't. It can't. It's not possible. The impossibility of my heart skipping a beat is certain now. Congratulations. You're not the man I thought you were.

You don't want to be sweet. You just want to be macho. Man is such a fool. If he could only see that by investing some time and energy figuring out how to mesh the two, he'd have the world at his feet. 

I see now how you're not interested in me as a person, a woman, a being. Your only concern ever was how to impress me. Because by impressing me might afford you other things you'd never have to pay for but expect that I'd be selling. Wow, you must think we're all just fighting our way to make it to the front of the line. I'm not sorry I disappointed you. You should have been more concerned with disappointing me!

Since it's obvious to the both of us that I'm not selling anything, I see very clearly how much I don't mean to you. Against the backdrop of your ego, which occupies way too much space, it feels like a blow to the face.

Do you understand what a turn off it all is? That you can't stimulate me, intellectually? I liked the other version of you, when I believed your actions were pure and sincere. I hung onto, what I considered were jewels, for a very long time.

But, they weren't jewels, only shattered pieces of glass, leaving cuts in places I never knew were there. 

You can have the control. You can call the shots. You can spend your money on whatever you want. You can keep feeding your ego rather than your mind with silly notions about what it means to be a man, a husband, a father, a friend, a lover. Do whatever you please.

I'll continue sitting here on a rock by the sea thanking the gods for waking me up.