A Person Who Cares, Stays

I know the truth now. I've been asking for days for it. And now, here it is. It's been here the whole time. Since August. I felt the shift in the hall way when you asked me how he was doing. I knew in that moment that something had changed. 

How did I miss that? How come I never asked the Tarot reader? What a huge oversight on my part. How can I have been so naive? I know I can't blame you for the way you behaved. And yet, I can. I do. In fact, as I write this, I can't stand you.

I think you're weak. It hurts, you know? Do you know? Do you understand? It dawned on me how you might think I could never put you first. You and your needs. And I'm left with yet again, a painful truth that my own needs actually don't matter and are not even considered.

You pulled away...not that you ever really drew near. But when you realized again the reality of my situation, you decided right then and there, that your pride was the god you were going to worship.

A person who cares, stays. God forbid, you should get all twisted up by my feelings. I mean, what a concept, right? It's got to be clean and painless. And I'm just a hot mess, is that it? You can't or won't get caught up in my gravity. 

That's why you don't ask about me. Or him. Because you don't care. It's only ever been about you and what you could get. And I'm here hurting. You remind me of my brother. You're cold. You don't know how to empathize. You hold back. I mean, fuck, it's painfully obvious, you don't give a shit 

My husband was right. You belong with the brutes. I know that irritated you when he lumped your lot all together. But, it's the truth. You're all the same.

There's no chance I'll ever put you first. I come first. I'll always come first. I'm the lady you'll never touch. Wow, are you telling me that you wanted to have some fun on your terms and not pay a price? Your money doesn't count. Not when a lady's got her own.

You're so cocky. But, you're not happy. I can count on that. There's no way you can be. Not when you're sniffing around despite having a home with goodies inside. It's okay, old friend. I understand how things can get stale. 

For better or for worse? Where did I hear that?

This Chapter Has Ended

I did know it would come to this. But, when it finally came, I still felt unprepared. Because you can't prepare for a complete loss of something. In some ways, the remnants of something left behind can feel more devastating than a slate wiped clean.

That's where I'm at. I can see I've turned a corner but not fully. And my foot in this world is waiting to be joined by the foot in that other world. Because you're really gone now, aren't you? 

I don't want to see you again only because I really want to see you again. There's no point, I keep telling myself. Going with the flow and acting like you don't matter while you go with the flow and act like I don't matter? No way. You'll never see me again. The thought of letting you remind me of what can never be, just so you can continue walking in a straight line, breaks me. 

I asked for peace. That's what the world is bringing me. What I failed to realize is the price I had to pay for it. I'll keep having to pay until I'm snug as a bug in my bed.

Every dream I had was preparing me for this moment right here, right now. It feels so isolating, cold, depraved of...hope. I had no choice but to let go while others hang on tight to me for their sustenance.

I don't quite believe her that you cared all that much. Wouldn't this look differently if you did as opposed to, if you had? I don't want you weaving in and out of my life. Peace took a stand not letting us run into eachother. You took a stand not letting us run into eachother. You must be so proud of yourself.

Let peace wash over me. Let it get inside until the thought of you brings nothing more than an echo from the past. I know it's irrational, given who we are and who we love, but when she said you decided to draw a line in the sand, one that kept you away from me, it broke me, again.

I had drawn a line in the sand a long time ago. Yet, knowing that you had made me feel so unworthy and unloved. I know. I know. Why the double standard, right? Let people say and believe whatever they want. You wanted me...but not enough.

Ace Of Swords - World - Queen Of Swords

Shall I overcome? You can bet on it! The cards always reflect my hunches. I'm doubly sworded. Do you see that? 

I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. But, this hunch of mine won't let itself be overrided. This queen can smell deceit and hear insincerity. She's had plenty of practice. 

I ask myself why I'm upset with you. Is it because you've done nothing? No. You've done plenty but it feels like bait. That's it. I got it. It came to me. Everything you've given, every gesture, was rooted in something else other than kindness. 

I understand the gift of exchange. I understand my place, too. I understand your place. But, yes, you were hoping I'd take the bait. I just know it. And to me, that makes you a coward and selfish. And not because you want. Because I wanted, too. But you and I wanted differently. And in this wanting, I saw you weren't wanting enough or in the right way, or in a way that matters, to want to pay a price. A real price, the kind money can't buy. It requires a certain kind of energy and effort you don't possess. Well, that you can't muster for me. No need to be sorry.

Soon, very soon, all of this will be a thing of the past, a place I'll no longer dwell but only visit casually, from time to time. Maybe I'll even laugh at it. Maybe I'll thank God for having helped me remain graceful. 

I'm already the world, unaffected and uninfluenced as you do what you do and be who you are. I'll be dancing, dancing naked in the light and in the dark. I won't give a care...in the world. Because I'm in the world, though, not of it.