Pearls & Secrets

I'm laughing. You should see how hard I'm laughing...

I apply rose lotion all over my body. I start with my thighs and move down my legs starting with the right and then the left. I apply and rub some on my belly and then my behind up along my chest making sure to give my breasts some extra attention. I smile. I'm amazed how I can laugh at myself. I'm also amazed at how well I can pamper myself, too. I'm really good at it.

I hear a voice, "Never give away your pearls for free, sweetie." I put my hair up and say, "Not a chance." I put on my silky panties with care. I'm in the moment. You can't rush such things. Well, you really shouldn't...

I grab for my bra. I like the way it feels between my fingers. I put it on with a little bit of grace.  A little bit of grace goes a long long way. I look good. I feel good. I've got what I need.

I'm ready.

I had an epiphany this afternoon and what an epiphany it was. The chains are gone. I wasn't really aware I even had them on until I had the revelation and suddenly, I felt a weight lift. Gravity wasn't holding me down. It had never been gravity. It was only ever my mind. Only my mind.

But, there were moments when my sense of gravity felt like it was coming from the outside and I can't ignore that. In a real sense, external circumstances did contribute to my heaviness. Sure, I must take responsibility for my own behavior but there are those we must be cautious of, who only want to take, who aren't upstanding folks, who don't care about you or your feelings.  In their eyes, you're nothing but eye candy or dessert. They want to devour but they haven't even asked permission for a taste...

My mind was playing tricks on me. I was beginning to feel unworthy. My sense of self-worth was being determined by how the other treated me. Not anymore!

I open the closet and decide to go with a sensual outfit. I'm not going anywhere. It's all for my pleasure, right here at home. I try on some high heel shoes. These fit just right, I think. I smile again.

I pour a glass of wine, play some soft music, light some candles. What have I got to lose? Nothing. But, I have everything to gain. I'm so lucky. You have no idea how lucky I am. In my misfortune, I see my luck. I see how the wheel turns. I see how nothing stays the same. I see how things move. I move with the ebb and flow of this life.

I feel good in my body. I'm at home in my body. I'm sacred with my body. I love how one can see but cannot touch. That's my power. Let him see. Let him want. Let him try...to touch. He'll fail. He failed even before he began because I hold all the cards. I'm the gateway and no one's keeper.

Too bad he couldn't figure out that by giving a little, he would have received a whole lot in return.

I'm in tact. I've always been in tact. I decide. I decide. I decide who is worthy or unworthy.

I dance the night away like I've never danced before and the Moon watches. She watches and listens. I watch and listen. How mysterious this all is. I hold my head up high as much as I can because looking down doesn't produce much, except for bad feelings and bad tastes. I want more. I want depth. I've got enough of the superficial and the mundane. Give me some depth. And life delivers, unadulterated, every single time.

I bow my head and give thanks. That's the only time I'll look down...

The Prince of Fire

I walk along an open field. There is no path. I create my own. To my right are trees and on my far left, a body of water.  Where shall I go and what will I do? Here, it doesn't matter.

I remove my white silky scarf with my right hand and drag it along the grass as I walk. My thoughts are being carried by the wind. It's grey and blue out here...again. I let the wind do whatever it does. My hair moves like this and like that and it's just fine with me.

I turn around. No one else is here. I'm glad.

I drop the scarf.

I walk further along and remove my shoes. I leave a trail of my things behind me in case he decides to look for me. What will he do? What will he do? I wonder. I doubt he'll come. The disappointment is leaving me now. I prepared for this moment, this moment right here. It's okay if he does not come. I need a man. A man would come. So, I hang onto this wish like a piece of clothing wrapped around my body, to help me remember how that's exactly what I need. There is no room for compromise.

I keep walking...oh, how lovely the grass feels beneath my feet. Even the grass knows how to love. Too bad for man...A man who has not loved has not lived. A man who has not mourned love, does not know what love is. A man who has loved, who has truly loved, will learn to love again.

I'm tender with my purple dress as I set it down. I imagine it will still be there should I decide to turn back and retrieve it. As I walk, I imagine it laying there, listless and spent. I imagine the wind breathing life into it, creating tiny waves in the fabric. I smile. I come here so that the wind will breathe life into me, too.

I feel slightly cool and that's okay. I take a deep breath and then exhale in my usual way. So what if he doesn't come for me? No, he won't. He won't. I'm sure of it. He's never given me any indication that he would. One time, I disappeared for five weeks. He didn't call once. It's just rejection, I tell myself. It's only rejection. This time too shall pass.

He's a free spirit. He comes and he goes. He's like the wind.

And unlike the wind...because he thinks he's free but he really isn't. Only a fool believes he's really free.

It's alright that I'm not wanted. It's alright that he isn't interested in me. It's alright that he's only looking for a good time. It's alright that he'd rather laugh than cry. It's alright that he wants to keep things light and superficial.

But, I'm not superficial. I'm not free. Nor am I like the wind.

I can't even expect anything from him. I want him to do without me having to ask. He's never once bought me a coffee. He's offered but...I'm regressing...I'm being petty...or am I?

He doesn't believe in love. He won't give unless he's been given to. And what shall I give him? This man who can't even keep his word when he says he'll be back and then doesn't return? I end up being the stupid one for waiting. I become the fool. Tell me, what shall I give him? Shall I ask him out? So we can have a good time today and then tomorrow, he ignores me? How can people not see that how we do anything is how we do everything? I won't take that risk. To invest in a person who doesn't care.  And, I'm not like other women. I won't call and make a fuss but inside, it's been imprinted. I don't forget. Three strikes and he's out. Well, maybe more than a few strikes...Ah, he probably wouldn't even mind. As soon as he got a whiff that he couldn't get what he wanted from me, he bailed. Maybe he wanted to see if we were sexually compatible. What guy wouldn't want to discover the truth of that? But, I'm a lady and he works backwards...

More clouds make their way now. I long for rain. It won't fail me and sure enough, I feel some tiny drops on my cheeks and lips and on my palms, as I lift them up.

We're two different people, he and I. I remove my panties now and my bra. The rain is coming down. Down. Down. Down. I belong to the Earth. I belong to the elements. I belong to the Heavens. He couldn't handle someone like me, anyway. And he probably knew that.

Maybe I'm truly the free one after all...