Flesh & Bones

I take off my clothes, one piece at a time. Slowly. I know he's watching. He thinks I can't see him. He can look all he wants. He'll never touch.

I'm just flesh and bones. Nothing more. That's all he'll ever see. I'm a woman of convenience. I'm a giver. He'd be taken care of. He'd have all his needs met. That's what he wants but since I'm just flesh and bones, he's getting none of it.

Because I'm more than this flesh and these bones. He can't see that. He can't see me. But, I see him clearly. 

A confused man is the worst kind. Why would I waste my time on a man who isn't sure? Clearly, he's got nothing for me. I want heart above all things and his heart is closed to me. If I was just flesh and bones, I could give myself away. I could slip into pleasure and fantasy. I could do all those things he finds no problem with. If only I were just flesh and bones...how happy I would be...

Hmmm.

No. How unhappy I would be.

I'll take this sadness over that kind, any time. I see it now - the moment after having shared intimacy with a person who never cared to know me. I'll remember all the charming things he'd said and then I'll feel sick to my stomach, at how I allowed myself to be conned by...libido. I'll see that's all it was. And he never said it would be anything more than that. So the feeling of sickness would grip me more. What would he see? He'd see he was more than just flesh and bones, to me. He'd see just another woman, another stupid woman, another lonely woman, a woman who needs a man like him to wave his wand around. Please. He'd see nothing more than flesh and bones.

I refuse to be reduced to that for...pleasure? What does pleasure have on me? Nothing.

What does he have that I can't give to myself? Nothing.

I brush my hair for five minutes. I then proceed to apply some rose and coconut oil to my legs, my behind and move up along my stomach towards my chest. I'm extra careful there. I make sure to be as sensual as I can because every moment counts. I count. Backwards and forwards and all the way around...

Do you know what I'd lose by spending a night with him? With a man who doesn't love me? 

All that makes me the woman I am. Do you think I'd pay that price? For a man who's like every other man? Who has no trouble penetrating any woman? Why would I want to be in that category? Why would I want to be reduced to a number? Or a faceless being? I can do that all by myself. I don't need his help.

I lay on the bed before putting my clothes on. I spread my arms out and raise my legs up. I stare at the ceiling. A hint of light comes through the curtains. I can hear soft rain against the balcony rails. I smell the freshness of the air and grass nearby. 

I smile. He'll never taste what I am. Oh yes, I am expensive and all the money in the world can't buy what I am. If all he wants is flesh and bones, he can get that anywhere. 

On A Rock By The Sea

I feel lost. Lost in the wilderness of my mind. I feel the wind on my face and it brings me peace. For a moment. A moment. If I hang on, I can extend and expand this moment, stretch it out, until I can smile. Smile a melancholic smile.

It's not that hard to do. I lied. It's difficult. My thoughts pull me back in, towards that depth, that darkness, where dreams are crushed or revived. I'm not sure what's worse. I decide to have a good thought, to see what I've got, how blessed I am to be. Then I hear and sense my Spirit's longing. I don't understand. I believed there was more. I wanted more. Maybe when I really appreciate what is, I'll perceive it as 'more', as the gift it truly is.

But, I fail. If I was fulfilled, or rather if I felt I was truly fulfilled, I suppose I'd have nothing to write about. I imagine there would be nothing worth exploring. But, like this, like this as I am right now, I can delve. I can swim out to the farthest shore. I can penetrate the waters. I can find pearls. I can. I can. Maybe the thought of drowning won't even cross my mind. Maybe I'll relish the sensations. The warmth. The softness. Maybe all of that will be worth the storms I'll have to journey through. When the water gets cold, when I feel myself shiver and my teeth chatter, I'll wonder why I ever ventured off. Too late. Here, in this grey blue space, I find myself. I apologize to the gods for my heavy heart. I apologize for not being light and fluffy. I apologize for the essence that is me. It's the only route I know to myself. I ask if there's another route and they whisper words in the wind that will reach my ears. "No, there is no other way."

I'll forever be sitting on a rock by the sea. When I'm in the water, I'll miss land and when I'm on land, I'll yearn for the water. I can't have both. Not at the same time. It's always one or the other.

There are times, though, when I'd prefer nothing but the sea. I wait for the sun to go down, to go to sleep so that it can wake up somewhere else. I wait to see the moon. I wait for some clouds. I wait to hear what secrets lurk in the night. I wait to see what I can become under the light of the moon on a rock by the sea.

Then I pray for rain while my feet flirt with the earth. The gods listen. Who needs anything when you can be intimate with and fed by the landscape of your own life? When you can take off your clothes and feel your own vulnerability? When you can see your own beauty, without judgment or ridicule? When you don't have to feel shame? When you can tap into the eternal simply by being in the presence of sky and stars? Who has time to "need" when your cup is already full and is overflowing? What's the real issue here? Sometimes I fail to see how full my cup really is and when I don't see, I am blind to myself and all that I am. How can I not see when I'm made up of stars? Of the cosmos? Yet, I'm pulled down by this or that thing and all that is not of the real. This vortex will not let up. It's up to me to circumvent. I am no ordinary being.