Dust

People who have no family envy those who have large ones. And those with large ones, like me, prefer peace and quiet...and more one on one interactions or very small and intimate gatherings.

I scratch my head when people get a taste of their own medicine and can't tolerate it. Oh, I understand the taste is bad. And that would be the point. It's always the same old story. They have no problem dishing it out - being thoughtless, selfish and uncaring. But then you decide to protect yourself, to put yourself first like they manage to do everytime, and you're the bad guy for not allowing them to walk all over you?! No thank you.

Finally, I'm behaving and reacting the way I ought to. I'm letting people be. Let them. Be. That's the beauty about being a lone wolf. You understand who you want to spend your precious time with. You understand who wants to spend their precious time with you, too. And, I'm learning and seeing that it isn't a whole lot of people. Vice Versa.

I want to talk about existence, the moon and the stars. I want to talk about meaningful things - how a painting or song can move the soul. I want to discuss the nature of the world, who came before us, how this story ends for all of us. I want this soul that is me, to flourish, my intuition, to become sharp. I want the core of me to be strong, to know that 'there' IS the only home there is, while I'm here on earth.

I don't care about your house or pool or how you can retire tomorrow. I don't want to hear about your savings or how so and so, didn't figure it out, how he's a schlub for being a drinker or for having fu*ked up children, as a result. I don't want to hear from anyone who only opens their mouths when they have something negative to say about somebody else. I don't care for their useless judgment. I don't care for their  pettiness or bloody shallowness that aims to keep us all tied to this earth, as though this is all there is. 

Oh, let me be clear. That would be all there is for folks like these. That will not be me. I refuse. The eternal resides within, not out there. May my kindred brothers and sisters find each other in this dark world. May we do from what we see. May we do from what we hear. May we not become dust. 

Seven Of Swords

She's aware he doesn't feel all that much...for her. What does it matter what the reader said? What does it matter when you don't know for sure what someone thinks or feels? Unless they communicate it directly to you, none of it exists. 

He talks a lot about what a great man he is or how he'd been with many women in the past, like being a player was an accomplishment. She lifted her brow and then swallowed hard. She realized in that moment, he was living out some fantasy, like he was still a bachelor.

If they were both single and free to do what they wanted, she wouldn't have chosen him, after all. He's not her type. Never was. And, could never be. 

She'd only ever been with one man. The idea she could become just another notch on his belt, gave her a sinking feeling. Nothing like the pierce of disillusionment to wake you up...

Surely, if he had genuine feelings for her, she'd know it. There'd be no wondering or guessing or speculating. The truth is, he uses her to feel good about himself. He never really asks her about her, which leaves her feeling spent. Like, she's just a sounding board for him. 

It stings to know he feels nothing. She tells herself she's flattered he enjoys spending some time with her but then realizes it's just scraps he's giving. If he sees her out of context, she becomes a nobody again. Well, the nobody she always was but definitely, made clear if she ever thought otherwise.

Snakes

The drama some people carry with them and then bring to others...is maddening. My mother never fails to tell me, "Chi si metta con questa razza, diventera povera e pazza." Which translates to mean, "He who mingles with those people, shall become poor and crazy in spirit." My maternal grandfather made it a point to tell my mother and she then relayed it to me and continues to reiterate what I already know but for some reason, need reminding of.

I know why I stopped hanging out with my paternal relatives and why I only allow a couple of them to be a part of my life. One of them is absolutely all about herself, so narcissistic, so insecure, two-faced, uncaring, and soul-sucking. I show face when I need to but that's all it will ever be. I'll lay on the molasses at times but I swear it was me just being genuine. Oh my goodness...I get stabbed in the back for being so. I forget a snake is a snake is a snake. I forget people show us who they are. I must not have resolved childhood issues if I still feel this need to be close to someone who is completely incapable of putting the other first.

And don't get me started about mother hen. She's judgmental, cold, a bully, a brute...and heartless. She'll insist otherwise but if you look at her face, she's got a look of disgust on it...at all times. I can only imagine what she's thinking...and it can't be good!

There's no point trying to reason with these folks because they lack sense! That's the crutch of the story. That's what it is in a nutshell. You can try but you'll never win. They come out on top despite being at the bottom and you're left picking up the pieces of their bull-shit. 

Now, it's about keeping the peace...and at a distance, at arm's length...because otherwise, it's nothing but drama and more nonsense. I am more than all of this. That's why I took a different route long ago. 

Good riddance!

FOMO

You know life's taken a toll when you've been on a long break from social media and you're still experiencing FOMO in a big way.

I can't stand listening to cousins go on and on about their vacations. Seems like everyone has gone to, is coming back from or leaving for our homeland...well, our parents's homeland. My ancestors are my home, not the places they dwelled. 

I'm glad one of my cousins has turned me down to have coffee at least, three times. Oh my, how we've grown apart. I love these people. But, they're not my people. I shouldn't feel like a black sheep. Though, what would be the harm in it, really? 

I'm struck by their lack of depth. I thought once they had children of their own, they'd become wiser. It's just more of the same recycled matter. And on and on it goes...Their children inherit their shallowness, too.

I take after my mother who has more depth than she can travel to in this lifetime. She understands me. Maybe not fully...but, close enough. I get her, too. My mother - the dreamer, the poet. 

The people I've met over the years who've lingered in my sphere and I, in theirs...I'd change none of it. They helped me keep an open mind. They allowed me to grow and develop into a human being. What happened to these other guys? Why are they so stupid? So ignorant? Sure, they're smart on this plane, live successfully according to the structures created by others...but, they offer nothing in the way of real compassion or understanding.

I say, "Bon Voyage." 

In His Name

I see you among the birds and the trees.

Or standing by a wall drawing closer to someone who’s taken a handful of pills.

Sometimes, I see you hovering over addicts. You wait for them to look up knowing it could be the last time they look down, for good.

I see you in temples and synagogues.

And, communing with Buddha by the steps of a cathedral.

You’re never with the rich unless they’re rich of heart.

You’re not the man in their posters, the man they dress up to look like them.

You’re the man standing next to the woman deciding whether to abort. She looks up and that pleases you, while she brings her hands close together in humility.

Who is the man they think is on their side?

I tell them in my nightmares, “It’s not Him. That is not Him.”

It’s cold where they stand. 

It’s dark where they congregate. Even when the sun is shining bright.

I wonder often how your light is not able to penetrate the hearts of man.

You’re here with me as I write this.

You’re with my sick husband.

You’re with every trans person who struggles with injustice.

You’re with the beggars, the liars and the cheats. Because there’s a chance. There’s a chance they can turn their lives around.

And with the poorest of the poor, because they haven't forgotten they can always look up to find you right there.

You’re not with the hardened men and women who spew judgement and especially with those who do it in your name. You lay your hands instead over those who are powerless so that they may rise above the brutes of this world.

You tell them to turn the other cheek but to carry a sword in one hand. To be sweet and kind like sheep but to be fierce and bold like wolves. Because these are strange and difficult times and the world is upside down and people more than ever still do not know what they do. 

You tell them to leave forgiveness to you. You understand it’s impossible to forgive evil...in your name.

I see you on a winged horse coming down from stormy clouds.

I hear the words about love and neighbours. I wonder how people decided you meant that we only love the people we ‘like’.

You’re with a childless woman like me and not a pig like that man who spews filth about women like me...in your name.

You’re with a childless woman like me and not a pig like that man who defiles women like me...in your name.

You’re with a childless woman like me, like me, who whispers to pigs like them, “You’ll be sorry someday.”

You were with me when I drew my first picture.

You were with me when I witnessed how cruel children could be.

You were with me when I struggled with being human. You know I still struggle and here you are illuminating my mind because my heart is heavy.

How do you tolerate what people do in your name against those who just want to love and live a life on their own terms without the oppression of evildoers? How?

You remind me, “That’s not I over there, standing in a crowd of hatred and righteousness.” 

You remind me, “I’m here with you when tears roll down your face. I love you for helping me carry this cross for you are one of the peace-keepers of this world.”

He continues, “Not all will have the eyes to see and the ears to hear. And those who do shall feel burdened but let them not fret for I am with them.”

He knows I’m a sinner too and not quite so pure of heart.

He knows I secretly relish in the thought of their comeuppance. I imagine what their fall will look like right after their pride.

I imagine people dragging their bodies into the streets and spitting in their faces.

I imagine people throwing stones after they’re dead. Not while they’re alive. For that would make me a hypocrite. But, surely there are crimes and deeds worse than others?! Like the ones they commit in His name!

But, even I digress.

He insists, “You’re all brothers and sisters who've forgotten why you’re here. It is my eternal mission to remind you.”

.

Blessings In Disguise

It's so easy to offend someone. No. No. People are easily offended. That's exactly right. My fault is this incessant desire to be normal, to please, to play the game. But, you don't have to play games with the people you love and trust. No. No. You don't have to play games with the people who truly love and trust you. 

You're free to be exactly who you are. You don't feel a wall going up. Because this wall subconsciously goes up when you're not entirely comfortable. You can tell yourself you'll try harder, harder to be...comfortable. How stupid is that? Why not trust and observe that this wall going up is what needs to happen for you to realize some folks are not good for you?

I'm rattled when I open the door to certain family members. For years, I do fine. Then they reach out and I'm sucked right back to a time I do not miss or have any kind of nostalgia for. It doesn't matter that twenty years have passed. They are not 'my' people. I experience the same feelings of isolation and rejection as I did before. It dawns on me like a ton of bricks over the head that I do not need them. It's not that I don't belong. It's that they do not belong with me.

"Oh yesterday came suddenly..." I long for yesterday, too, but not in the way you might think. There's nothing I would change except for one thing. If I could go back to my younger self, I'd tell her to keep her head up high. To let people be. Let them talk. And to never ever throw her pearls before swine. 

While I've always gotten along with everyone, it never meant I wanted to walk their path. I'm a lone wolf. It can get lonely but I wouldn't want it any other way. Inviting certain people into your life just because they're blood, is not a good reason to keep them there. Drama follows some people as though their lives depended on it. This drama, inadvertently, becomes my plague. I can't have that. It's poison to my inner sanctity. So, stay away! And lucky for me, it doesn't take much to keep these little rascals at bay, either. I thank my angels for these little blessings in disguise. 

No One To Be

I love moments like these, when you have no where to go and no one to be. I can take off my masks - employee, wife, sister, cousin, friend, consumer - and the everything is okay one, too.

People grasp for moments like these. And, here I am. I recognize them. I am them. They are me. I'm sighing and I know why. If I examine this moment too much, I'll lose the magic of it. Is this what they mean by a perfect moment? Because I'm living it right now.

And just like that, it's gone. I'm still here but not all of me. Parts are at home thinking about this evening...a moment that hasn't arrived, that I haven't walked towards except in my mind, and this moment does not yet exist.

I want to come back here again and feel the whole of myself. In this moment, I encapsulate all things and these things encapsulate me. Do you know the drugs people have to take to have an experience like this?

Through the right approach, I want for nothing. I love this feeling that's rooted from deep within. I love how only I can get there. I love how I can access it anytime I wish to. I love how nothing or no one can destroy it. It's mine. It belongs to me. It's my ticket out of here. Or rather, out of there...

Because here, in this place, in my castle...I don't want to leave or part from it. It's so beautiful. The textures and colours, oh my. And the way the light shines through the curtains? You can't fathom such beauty. 

It wells me up as I sit on a chair no one makes anymore, in a dress I'll never wear even if I was invited to the most glamorous of events. But here, right here, I can feel the material against my skin. I love how I feel in it. The length touches the floor. My hair is black and braided in Targaryen style.

I know what they say about needing people. But, I don't need anyone here. You can't need anything or anyone when you're experiencing a perfect moment...

...unless your perfect moment requires an other?