Monday, September 27, 2010

Mr. Hermit

What do you require of me Mr.Hermit? Why have you sprung up today? I can't say I am surprised. Really. Your presence is both terrifying and welcome. Terrifying because you verify much for me at this time.

How inward shall I go? How still must I be? And for how long? How quiet and deafening must my world be in order to hear you? May my lantern shine half as bright as yours, otherwise I am in serious trouble.

What advice will you give through your cloak? Through the tilting of your head? Through that downward pose? What will you whisper? Stay or go? That is the question, is it not? To stay or to go.

What would it mean to stay? You are a clue to an answer. Paradoxically, you lean towards some kind of movement--a movement towards stillness to discover truth or a revelation which has the potential of affecting the course of one's life. Is this not true? I can not take you lightly.

I know you. I am you now. I dwell in a serene place but just below there is a stirring. There is great knowledge and wisdom in your demeanor. You are gentle and kind. You understand the way of this world. You see what must be done. You question. You are unsure and so you seek because you sense there is more and you are unsatisfied with what is. You know I've been searching. You know I must ask and you see that I do but you do not respond.

Why do you not respond? Am I not worthy? Have I become selfish? Will I forever be the lonely child in the sandbox whom no one cares to ask how she is because she never makes a sound?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


What are you anyway? You and those bright eyes? I don't understand you or is it that I do...too much? Is there even such a thing?

You complicate everything, you and your words. I see how your mind turns and how your heart feels. It is because of this that I stay. But what do you do? You spill and spew your insides all over me like a storm that goes on and on and on. Why must you take the magic away from this too? You don't know how much I love storms. But not your kind.

You tell me not to worry and I wonder how you know. Is it that you sense or that finally, you are able to see how irrational you've been? Your messages are confusing. I'd say you lift me up only to let me fall but that would give you too much power so instead I will say, 'You unintentionally lift me up and then tear me down because you move in circles, fast and quick, like fire burning everything in its midst.' I am mostly air with a lot more water than my Sign suggests. I am placid and still except for my heart, which sees, hears, and feels everything and so has a tendency to react. I must use water from my cup to tame you.

Why these gifts? How can I call them gifts? From the Divine? Really? To see? For what purpose? All these snapshots, what and whom do they serve? Let me move in circles too if I may. You see, my past is filled with slow movements, with unfinished stories and poems, books that were begun and then abandoned, paintings whose strokes and colours had a desire to become something but then realized suddenly they would become nothing, relationships that had promise but were left unattended. The list is long. And since I feel the gravity and urgency of time, I will end this tangent here.

Just when I had momentum and a kind of swiftness, an electrical spark that breathes life into dreams, you come and place a wall before me. You can tease like the moon. To slow down is not an adequate solution for me. But it is for you. Hence, the dilemma. So what shall we do? What can I do? I must be patient. Let this be my lesson. I must become unaffected. Let this be another lesson so that I do not repeat these mistakes again.

If I wasn't so certain, I could run from all of this. But it is useless to look back now. I only have this moment and I will seize it and make it mine and then I will let it go so as to embrace the next one and then the next one after that and so on and so forth as it should be. As it should be. I will grow and elevate and become one with this guardian that sees and knows everything. Then I will be free. Truly free. Unhindered. Uninhibited.

Thank you for helping me see what I can be. What I am.

Friday, September 3, 2010


It's been three months since my last post. So much has happened. I don't feel so purposeless, quite so aimless these days. I refuse to be a feather in the wind but sometimes, just sometimes, I must be nothing but this very feather in the wind letting this god take me anywhere, everywhere, and nowhere simultaneously. Yes, there is freedom in this kind of letting go. To want and need nothing.

Don't get me wrong, my sword is still close by. No one understands or sees what I can sense through this mighty piece of steel. No one sees what power I can tap into when it's held tightly in my grip. I sit transfixed, staring off into the distance and then I hear you. When I'm in doubt, your voice cradles me, nudges me, to hold my head up high because you understand, I'm neither here nor there. I am beyond this place and these things and yet I am less than the shoes on my feet. I sigh, and then take a deep breath. You tell me the answers will come and I wait and you do know how I wait? By this chair, this couch, this phone, this house, this person, that person. I wait and wait and sometimes you come and other times, I'm left wanting, abandoned and confused by your indifference. You'll tell me it's for my own good. You'll say it's how things should be. Or do you? No, no, this must be my voice speaking now.

Don't tell me I'm asleep. Don't tell me I'm a fool. I'm no fool. Don't tell me I'm like the others. Don't tell me that I or man cannot be more than what we are. You're the fool. He says, As above, so below. She says, As inside, so outside. What I wouldn't give for more than a glimpse of the real in others. What I wouldn't give for this kind of beauty, this kind of intimacy. But I lack lustre and so I can't expect from others what I am not for myself. It's hard traveling inward, going deep, way deep down inside where the little devils reside. Some people only touch the surface. I want the jewel and I won't get to the jewel until I cross the abyss. There is no other way.

I can play it safe though if I want but then I'll only achieve half the results and even then, it simply won't be good enough...for me. It would be false and I am true. I am true. So if you want to speak to me, then speak. Come out from under your rock. Let your tongue reflect sincerity but if it should not, then keep your mouth closed for I see what you are. I see how you hide, how you lie, how you cheat, how you believe in yourself, in a self that is not. I see your eyes, that light which remains trapped behind layers of fear and loneliness. If you could see how you control beyond your capacity to be, you would understand how pointless all of it really is, how you say one thing and do another because you are not real. But I am. I am.