Monday, July 9, 2018

The Undefined

I call out to you. You don't hear me. I'm running naked through the fields. You don't see me. You don't see me? I'm waiting for the rain to come down. Can't you see the white of my body against the blue grey skies? 

You're too base. You're too tied to the Earth. I'm too out there. I belong to the wind. I've got too much poetry. You don't have an ounce. You've got charm. You've got charisma. You've got sex appeal. I've got elegance. I've got Grace. I've got class.

Neither of us have the kind of beauty that counts, though. You're an animal. I'm just an angel. Oh, but if I was a whore...If I was a whore, you'd be all over me. I'd make you think you got me where you wanted. I'd make you feel like a man. I'd make you do things to me you dare not do to an angel. And you'd smile that dirty smile. So would I...but I'd be faking.

You don't want what's real. How can you? It's too above you. You're too beneath it. I hover over you...with my wings...these wings which are bigger than my body can support. What do you know? What do you know of true suffering? You know and your tattooed crown of thorns...

My body is clean. This body is too clean. I can't accommodate your filth, your sin, your manhood. 

I was told there'd be days like these. He whispered little secrets to me the day I was born. No balloons for me. No kites. No lanterns. It's just me, in the dark. It's just me, in the light. It's just me, in the shadows...underneath the Sun...underneath the the water. It's just me...all dewy and pure. It's just me and these thoughts of you, of me, of you and I...and what will never be.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Swimming Upstream

It's okay, baby. Here, it's just you and me. There is no God, no Goddess, no Angel or Demon. Here, there is no judgment. Here, I can do what I please. Here, I can live out my fantasies. Here, I can pretend it's all okay, that I'm not hiding, that I'm not in denial, that I'm not running away from anything.

Out there, God is not too far away and He, They...see everything. There, every moment counts. There, I am judged. There, my deeds hold power and consequence. There, I have to be careful of the words I use. There, I mustn't speak too loud or whisper too softly because either way, I'll be heard. Someone will hear me. Something will take shape and manifest into things I may not understand, may not be able to control, may not be able to accept...

Here, you and I are perfect. Here, the trees tower over us in admiration. Here, we're protected. Here, you're who I thought you were. Out there, you're someone else. Out there, you're someone I don't know, don't understand...can never understand. Out there, I long. Here, I long...but I'm also united with that which I long for...even if it isn't real.

Out there, another chapter of my life is unfolding. Here, it's been the same chapter for years. I keep my finger and eyes on the same page, wanting to live out every thought, every feeling...every word. I watch them all close and open, like a flower blooming under the light of the sun. Here, I open up. My petals reach for the light. My arms want to embrace it all. Out there, what can I embrace? I'm only ever in my head...Even out there, I'm only ever in my head.

Oh baby, don't ask me stupid questions about my personal life. You know very well none of it is any of your business. Your life is your own as mine is. There is no room for you. There is no room for me. That space has been filled. You said so yourself...long ago...under the light of the sun. You said it and my heart sank because I saw it was true.

I'm not sorry I'm a lady, just saddened that I can't bend the rules every now and then...out there. Here, I can bend them all I want. Actually, here...there are no rules. Here, it's alright that you belong to the winds and I to the oceans. At least, here, I get a taste. For fu*k's sake, I get a taste! Still, it's only imagination. Here, I don't mind being tempted. I give in, without shame or regret. I create every scene, every act, every gesture. I make up every word, every sentence, every scenario. I decide on the landscape. I decide what you'll say. I say what I've always wanted to say but could never muster out there...out there in the world...among the living and the dead.

So, I ask the Gods and Goddesses...the Angels and Demons...whomever will listen. Stay out of my space! Take your judgments and leave me alone. Here, I don't ask for your help. Here, I don't need it.