Monday, December 15, 2014

Fear to Trust

I look through the window of an old abandoned place. There are some chairs, a sofa...a mantle piece. I take a walk around the back...nothing but woods and trees.

I think of this old home, who lived in it, who sat on the couch...on those chairs...who stared at the fire when it burned...whether anyone even looked. How worn out and faded this house looks...just like me...just like me.

I take a walk through the woods. I don't know where it will take me but there are times, I beg, I pray for someone to tell me where it will take me. No one answers. No one ever answers, until I take a wrong turn, and I see that it's too late...and there's no turning back. I have to be careful out these woods. There are no guarantees.

There are days when I am fearless. There are days when I welcome the darkness, when I yearn for it just so that I might find the light...a spark...a flame...Then, I see that I am fine. Can I not trust out here? Will the trees deceive me? No. Will this path before me, deceive me? How can it? I deceive myself. I pretend not to hear when I can hear. I pretend not to see when I can see. But, out here, I see the truth. I see who I am. I see what I am. I see what I want. Though, is it what I need?

But, I'm a fool. I am afraid. I'm afraid of the light even more than the dark. He brings the light. He brings what I've been looking for? I want to take...I want to dip my foot in the pool...but, I see that I can't. I see that I don't know how. I smell a sweet fragrance. I taste freedom. I hear a melody...a, I can't place. My guard is up because experience has shown me how fragile I can be. I say I don't want to live like that but what am I supposed to do? I know what man can do. I've seen what man can do. I want to trust. I want to trust...but, this fear..this fear is too big...too crippling.

I'm too broken. Can I be fixed? They say that true happiness is cultivated from within...but, I believe in a happiness that can be cultivated with the "other." I believe in a happiness that can be accessed through the other. Am I naive?

I dance under the moon. She knows who I am. She shines her silvery light upon me. Life can be cruel and her timing can be impeccable so, I embrace this moment because what else can I do? Hope it was different than what it is? I have no choice but to take it one day at a time. Yes, life can be show me a possibility, to provide an opportunity, to let me see a potential, to let me taste this honey and smell this beautiful red rose...knowing I can't fully reach for it, knowing how badly I want to. I'm well aware of those thorns. I don't want the thorns. I'm tired of thorns.

I've learned to be private, to stay quiet. I'm an observer. I watch and listen. Life has also shown me that good can come from bad experiences. If I don't take a risk, how can I experience the magic? How can I hold back out of fear of what might happen? Out of fear of the consequences? I can't imagine living another year like this. I should be grateful, right? That these opportunities come? On the one hand, I feel the anticipation, the joy, and on the other, I see the price I have to pay...because nothing is for free. Nothing. Not even Love. He's right. I hate that he's right. I dislike this truth. I wish I was free like him. I wish I was light like him. He's free and light in ways I'm not.

I'm comfortable in my own little this little life I've built for myself. And, I'm also miserable and restless. If I don't do something about this energy, this passion within me, I'm just going to burn and turn to ash. I don't want to be a withering leaf. I have too much to give, too much to offer. I don't want it to go to waste. I don't want to go to waste.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


All this depth, where does it take me? Where does it actually lead to? What will it do for me? What has it done for me?

I feel the isolation of this feeling, this moment...of my life. How did I become so complicated? So complex? I ought to smile more...because one day, we're here and the next day, we're not. It saddens me, tears at my insides, at this already raw and tender spot...a spot so big, so unrelenting...I can't escape its reality, its need to be. I must pay it respect or it will take me and leave nothing but a carcass behind. I must become more than this body.

I am alone here. It's set up that way. Every time I resist, this hole gets bigger...this yearning, deeper...this longing, harder to reach. I know that it can't be satiated. I understand that this void cannot be filled...but, sometimes, I trick myself...I pretend that it can, that I can. I have no vices...nothing to distract me. Maybe that's a good thing. Eventually, the distractions create a wound so deep, there's no return, no possibility for transformation, no way out. Temporary reliefs are not a match for the real.

I see him in my mind's eye. I lay my cup down. What will this cup do for me now? What does it require of me? I stare at it for a while. As I sigh, I remember, I must meet that which I desire half way. I hear, "Be careful what you wish for." I fear what I want. I fear the outcome. I fear my own power. I fear my own desire. I dislike that I want him to see who I am. Why should it matter what he thinks? Because I like the way he looks at me? Because then, it seems I can see that I am? Why must it be that way?

I go for a swim. I could live in the water. She understands me. She soothes me. She knows what I am, who I am. She asks no questions, wants nothing from me. But, I still can't know all of myself...not even here. Knowing myself requires that I be vulnerable and here, I can be vulnerable, but only to a point. Here, I have everything. Out there, though, I fear precisely that thing which I KNOW will set me free.

Why must there always be a risk? A price to pay? Why do I keep asking questions I have the answers to?

I like who I am in the water. I feel sensual, beautiful...innocent. I feel strong and resilient. I am more than woman. I touch my forehead, my eyebrows, my eyelids, my nose and cheeks...ears and hair. I reach the ends of my hair, past my breasts. I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. Now, I don't know where I begin or where I end. Sky and water blend. I want to blend. I want someone to look at me the way I look at the sky and feel in the water...

That doesn't exist, though, does it? What I want? I can't contain this passion any longer. It courses through my veins. I feel the throbbing. I feel the pangs. I can taste the cruelty of this sweet tease on my tongue. I get out of the water and grab hold of my clothes...but, I'm not ready to get dressed. I'm always hiding, always covering up. What's there to cover up, here? I want to be free. I set the clothes down, again. I don't want to go a lifetime without tasting the fullness of this tease, this temptation....this nectar.

I walk along a path in the forest and sit by a tree. Oh my...the beauty of this place is breathtaking. This green landscape feeds me...I lay my head back. I feel the wind against my skin...a soft someone is whispering in my ear. I want more. As I close my eyes, I see him again. I smile. He draws closer to me...stares at me, the whole of me, like he's caressing me down. "Stop it." He asks, "Why?" He brings his hand to my face, brings back a strand of my hair so he can see me more clear. I look down and see that I am naked. I gulp. "It's okay," he says. "Sure it is...for you," I add. He continues, "You don't have to cover yourself up. You're safe with me."

My breaths get deeper now. I want to fall into him. I'm resisting. What if? What if? I can't stop asking myself, "What if?" The skies are clouding up. I hear the thunder. I feel relieved...or that stirring, that sound, coming from me? I can't tell the difference. I feel so alive. He draws even closer now. His shirt brushes up against my chest. He takes both of his arms and holds me. He touches my forehead, my eyelids, my nose and cheeks, my ears and hair. He reaches the ends of my hair, past my breasts. He looks at me as his hands move to my right breast...and then to my left. He cups and squeezes, firmly but, gently. He reaches for my neck with his lips and whispers, "Open yourself up. Burn for me. Let go."

And so I do...blending and melding...not knowing where I begin or where I end...