Wednesday, December 10, 2014


All this depth, where does it take me? Where does it actually lead to? What will it do for me? What has it done for me?

I feel the isolation of this feeling, this moment...of my life. How did I become so complicated? So complex? I ought to smile more...because one day, we're here and the next day, we're not. It saddens me, tears at my insides, at this already raw and tender spot...a spot so big, so unrelenting...I can't escape its reality, its need to be. I must pay it respect or it will take me and leave nothing but a carcass behind. I must become more than this body.

I am alone here. It's set up that way. Every time I resist, this hole gets bigger...this yearning, deeper...this longing, harder to reach. I know that it can't be satiated. I understand that this void cannot be filled...but, sometimes, I trick myself...I pretend that it can, that I can. I have no vices...nothing to distract me. Maybe that's a good thing. Eventually, the distractions create a wound so deep, there's no return, no possibility for transformation, no way out. Temporary reliefs are not a match for the real.

I see him in my mind's eye. I lay my cup down. What will this cup do for me now? What does it require of me? I stare at it for a while. As I sigh, I remember, I must meet that which I desire half way. I hear, "Be careful what you wish for." I fear what I want. I fear the outcome. I fear my own power. I fear my own desire. I dislike that I want him to see who I am. Why should it matter what he thinks? Because I like the way he looks at me? Because then, it seems I can see that I am? Why must it be that way?

I go for a swim. I could live in the water. She understands me. She soothes me. She knows what I am, who I am. She asks no questions, wants nothing from me. But, I still can't know all of myself...not even here. Knowing myself requires that I be vulnerable and here, I can be vulnerable, but only to a point. Here, I have everything. Out there, though, I fear precisely that thing which I KNOW will set me free.

Why must there always be a risk? A price to pay? Why do I keep asking questions I have the answers to?

I like who I am in the water. I feel sensual, beautiful...innocent. I feel strong and resilient. I am more than woman. I touch my forehead, my eyebrows, my eyelids, my nose and cheeks...ears and hair. I reach the ends of my hair, past my breasts. I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. Now, I don't know where I begin or where I end. Sky and water blend. I want to blend. I want someone to look at me the way I look at the sky and feel in the water...

That doesn't exist, though, does it? What I want? I can't contain this passion any longer. It courses through my veins. I feel the throbbing. I feel the pangs. I can taste the cruelty of this sweet tease on my tongue. I get out of the water and grab hold of my clothes...but, I'm not ready to get dressed. I'm always hiding, always covering up. What's there to cover up, here? I want to be free. I set the clothes down, again. I don't want to go a lifetime without tasting the fullness of this tease, this temptation....this nectar.

I walk along a path in the forest and sit by a tree. Oh my...the beauty of this place is breathtaking. This green landscape feeds me...I lay my head back. I feel the wind against my skin...a soft someone is whispering in my ear. I want more. As I close my eyes, I see him again. I smile. He draws closer to me...stares at me, the whole of me, like he's caressing me down. "Stop it." He asks, "Why?" He brings his hand to my face, brings back a strand of my hair so he can see me more clear. I look down and see that I am naked. I gulp. "It's okay," he says. "Sure it is...for you," I add. He continues, "You don't have to cover yourself up. You're safe with me."

My breaths get deeper now. I want to fall into him. I'm resisting. What if? What if? I can't stop asking myself, "What if?" The skies are clouding up. I hear the thunder. I feel relieved...or that stirring, that sound, coming from me? I can't tell the difference. I feel so alive. He draws even closer now. His shirt brushes up against my chest. He takes both of his arms and holds me. He touches my forehead, my eyelids, my nose and cheeks, my ears and hair. He reaches the ends of my hair, past my breasts. He looks at me as his hands move to my right breast...and then to my left. He cups and squeezes, firmly but, gently. He reaches for my neck with his lips and whispers, "Open yourself up. Burn for me. Let go."

And so I do...blending and melding...not knowing where I begin or where I end...

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I must first of all say that your writing left me quite breathless. So searching and passionate. You seem to yearn for the infinite of the divine as you simultaneously luxuriate in the sumptuousness of the all too finite flesh. I must admit, if you will indulge me and not take offense, that I had to resist reading without one hand moving to action in a southward direction upon my person! I sincerely anticipate the pleasure and edification of exploring your blog further.