Tuesday, October 12, 2010

October 9, 2010, 10:15a.m

I sit at the top of the steps of a beautiful wooden platform, about five feet off the ground. Behind me stands a tall painting of the Madonna and Jesus. In front of me, wooden floors, burgundy velvet curtains as well as to the left and to the right, forming a perfect hemisphere. Directly above close to the ceiling are windows where a faint light comes through. I am alone here for just a little while.

I get up and practice a sacred dance and then another. The heat rises and I begin to well up too. I sit back on the platform as though sinking back into a chair, defeated and tired but I am not defeated nor tired. I make sure to be right in the centre of room. I let out a few breaths along with some tears and then look up transfixed staring at a point above. And the words begin to roll off my tongue.

I am the magician that breathes life into my dreams.

I get up, take a few steps forward and try the dances again. I am focused. I want this. I want this more than anything else, to be present in this space where I am free and alive, nowhere and everywhere, with the forces, the elements, with beauty, with God, here, in this now. Nothing and no one can touch me here, not a hair on my head, not even the slightest of gestures. Here, I am.

I feel the power of these dances and so must sit down again. I could keep going but am aware of time, aware that I must go into another room. I wish I could let go but I can't here, not now. The words again begin to flow. I am looking up transfixed.

I summon the fluidity, the calmness, stillness, the lucidity of the waters, and of the oceans. That my cup may runneth over. That my heart may expand beyond myself. That I may love with an open heart and ask for nothing in return, nothing, not a smile, not a gift, not an act of kindness...nothing. Let love be its own reward.

I summon the strength of the earth, and of the pentacle. That my body may serve me well all the days of my life. That I may be rooted and grounded, beautiful and graceful. That I may always have what I need. That I may learn the ways of Nature, of this Mother who is bountiful and yet stern. Let me understand what I must understand.

I summon the fires of all the heavens of the worlds, and of the wand. That I may be imbued with creative spirit. That I may develop my intuition and grow essence. That I may move swiftly when I need to without harm to myself or another. That passion guide me helping me see and work with the difference between ignition and the burning of flame.

I summon the movement and the sharpness of the air, and of the sword. That it may cut away the density of thought and clear the cobwebs of my mind. That I may see truth from illusion, realness from fantasy. That I may walk direct, with purpose and aim.

And it is done.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Storm before the Calm

I am welcomed by grey and misty rain. Upon this boulder I sit high up above the ground. Hello again, Ireland, my sweet Ireland.

You don't know how peaceful it is here, how the mind quiets down, how the body surrenders to gravity, how the heart soars. My heart is always listening, always paying attention, always embracing...not fully though, not fully. I must work on this. Sometimes, it develops a mind of its own and peeks through when I'm not looking and decides it wants to do something out of the ordinary. My heart knows how I guard and protect it, like a child a mother has a hard time letting go of.

How does one let go? How, when the substances from down below, from our abyss rise up, percolate, brew and make their way to the surface? I thought I had depth of feeling. But the other day, I was caught by surprise. I did not understand what was happening to me. I was confused. I thought I knew. I know nothing. Nothing.

In the dark with the lights down low, all one sees are shadows, shadows of oneself. I wanted to unite with my shadow but to unite would have meant to acknowledge, to submit to that which I don't understand. I just stared. Love fought hard to clear away the cobwebs. From the surface, I removed some of the debris but there was too much of it. Unfortunately, most of it made its way down again. It will have to be drudged up some other time. Maybe it will be easier with practice.

I was disturbed by my feelings, the state of my body, the stirring of my thoughts. I was disturbed by Love. How can this be? To be disturbed by love? I saw that it was possible to bring aspects of a higher love down to this earthly plane. You'd think I would have been completely accepting of this. But no, something about it made it real, too real. I saw that I was not worthy just then. I saw that I could not love in this way but that I wanted to. I want to. But, my personality gets in the way. And Love is too precious for games. It demands the absolute best from us and will not be fooled under any circumstance.

Let me not guard so fiercely, I tell myself. Let me be open to possibilities. Let me be sincere in my approach. Let me not worry or hang on too tight. Let there be light. Let me be ready.