Friday, October 1, 2010

Storm before the Calm

I am welcomed by grey and misty rain. Upon this boulder I sit high up above the ground. Hello again, Ireland, my sweet Ireland.

You don't know how peaceful it is here, how the mind quiets down, how the body surrenders to gravity, how the heart soars. My heart is always listening, always paying attention, always embracing...not fully though, not fully. I must work on this. Sometimes, it develops a mind of its own and peeks through when I'm not looking and decides it wants to do something out of the ordinary. My heart knows how I guard and protect it, like a child a mother has a hard time letting go of.

How does one let go? How, when the substances from down below, from our abyss rise up, percolate, brew and make their way to the surface? I thought I had depth of feeling. But the other day, I was caught by surprise. I did not understand what was happening to me. I was confused. I thought I knew. I know nothing. Nothing.

In the dark with the lights down low, all one sees are shadows, shadows of oneself. I wanted to unite with my shadow but to unite would have meant to acknowledge, to submit to that which I don't understand. I just stared. Love fought hard to clear away the cobwebs. From the surface, I removed some of the debris but there was too much of it. Unfortunately, most of it made its way down again. It will have to be drudged up some other time. Maybe it will be easier with practice.

I was disturbed by my feelings, the state of my body, the stirring of my thoughts. I was disturbed by Love. How can this be? To be disturbed by love? I saw that it was possible to bring aspects of a higher love down to this earthly plane. You'd think I would have been completely accepting of this. But no, something about it made it real, too real. I saw that I was not worthy just then. I saw that I could not love in this way but that I wanted to. I want to. But, my personality gets in the way. And Love is too precious for games. It demands the absolute best from us and will not be fooled under any circumstance.

Let me not guard so fiercely, I tell myself. Let me be open to possibilities. Let me be sincere in my approach. Let me not worry or hang on too tight. Let there be light. Let me be ready.

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