Thursday, December 15, 2016

Tiny Fragments

I thought I mattered a little bit...

Surprise. Surprise.

I lay here listening to 80's music. Nostalgia is having its way with me. No time like the past. I remember walking down the corridor and smelling the Spring air. It still smells like that except it's Winter, now. How cruel, the way our minds play tricks on us...unless, you like Winter?

It's almost dark. I take off my clothes and head for the bathroom. It's time to slip into the tub. I wait for the water to fill, first. I pour some salts and a few drops of rose oil. I keep the lights down low and light a couple of candles. I slide into the tub. I sigh. I'm free.

Even when bad is really bad, it's okay. The water is my refuge. Water saves me every single time. It doesn't matter what's going on outside. It doesn't matter what's going on inside. Here, right here, all is as it should be. All is well. I am free.

I take a sponge and dip it into the water. I pour the excess over myself. Sensuality is my best friend. You can't imagine the power I feel when I connect to it. My Imagination becomes alive. I see things I've never seen before. I hear in a way I've never heard before, too. Each scent is vibrant. I don't need a bucket list to go where I already am...I just have to close my eyes and 'poof', where ever my mind goes, there I go...

I gently wipe my body down with some oil. I'm learning to love myself an inch at a time. I need to stop comparing myself to those flawless bodies depicted on the air. None of that is real, anyway. It's just the Magician playing tricks on me. On you. On us. I spend time with myself. I enjoy my own company. I care for each part of me. I must come first. If I don't put myself there, no one else will or can...

This is a kind of intimacy most people will never experience. In this space, I am in touch with every cell of my being. I know what my heart is feeling. I see what my mind is thinking. I understand the function of my body and yet, I am none of these things. I am more. So much more.

I wiggle my toes for a few seconds. I place my right hand over my chest and my left hand over my belly. I slowly lift my legs and rest my knees to the side - left foot over the right. I thank the gods for my gifts. Whether they can hear me or not, I do my part, no matter.

Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow. The contrast it's able to reflect back is astounding. It's just the cold. It's only the cold. Keeps the heart and blood, in the water...this water that IS my life.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

As The Veil Lifts...

Don't wake me from my slumber. You and your senselessness. Stay where you are and don't move an inch. I won't receive you no matter how shiny and shimmery you become. You're no star. You're just fragments of a thing left behind. There's nothing of you here. There never was. 

You're a fake, not because you and I are not on the same page but because you didn't follow through to the end. You sneaked away like a coward. I know I shouldn't blame you. We do what we need to do when we don't get what we want. And you did, by walking away. It's okay. I walked the other way long before you when I saw what you are. You're no prize. You're no jewel. You're nothing special. But, I am. 

Now, I understand you. Now, I see...see the nothingness it really was. Just ups and downs, lefts and rights but no real movement. You want casual? You got casual. You got what you wanted. And yet you didn't, did you? Not the kind of casual you were seeking. I'm not sorry I disappointed. You're the disappointment. You can't help what you are. 

All your posturing amounted to foolishness and illusions. You can't deliver. You don't have what it takes. Why should I feel bad for being stuck up? You're not worthy of anything more. This is what you attract in me. It can't be any other way than how it is. 

I hope you're ashamed of yourself. I hope you feel bad. That's my only revenge. It makes me smile that I don't behave or respond the way you hoped I would. You're just a snake in the ground. You carry no poison. I hover and tower over you like the 5 ft 6" being that I am. Inwardly, I'm so much grander than that. You can slither all you want. It didn't make a difference then and it won't now.

I remembered how I waited. Oh, how I waited. Like the High Priestess. I sat there with all the knowledge of the world on my lap. I knew the truth then. I decided to rise above it. What else could I do? I am so much more than you could ever fathom.

Emotionally, you're immature. You're incapable of investing. My lack of response towards you says more about you than it does about me. I'm the star that shines in the sky. I'm that thing you'll never reach or acquire. You sneaked away because you saw there was no point in hanging around. So, go. Go. Slither away in the dirt the way you do in search of your next casual connection. I'll still be the star in the sky who didn't fall for your nonsense. You'll always be.. just a man.