Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Swimming Upstream

It's okay, baby. Here, it's just you and me. There is no God, no Goddess, no Angel or Demon. Here, there is no judgment. Here, I can do what I please. Here, I can live out my fantasies. Here, I can pretend it's all okay, that I'm not hiding, that I'm not in denial, that I'm not running away from anything.

Out there, God is not too far away and He, They...see everything. There, every moment counts. There, I am judged. There, my deeds hold power and consequence. There, I have to be careful of the words I use. There, I mustn't speak too loud or whisper too softly because either way, I'll be heard. Someone will hear me. Something will take shape and manifest into things I may not understand, may not be able to control, may not be able to withstand...to accept...

Here, you and I are perfect. Here, the trees tower over us in admiration. Here, we're protected. Here, you're who I thought you were. Out there, you're someone else. Out there, you're someone I don't know, don't understand...can never understand. Out there, I long. Here, I long...but I'm also united with that which I long for...even if it isn't real.

Out there, another chapter of my life is unfolding. Here, it's been the same chapter for years. I keep my finger and eyes on the same page, wanting to live out every thought, every feeling...every word. I watch them all close and open, like a flower blooming under the light of the sun. Here, I open up. My petals reach for the light. My arms want to embrace it all. Out there, what can I embrace? I'm only ever in my head...Even out there, I'm only ever in my head.

Oh baby, don't ask me stupid questions about my personal life. You know very well none of it is any of your business. Your life is your own as mine is. There is no room for you. There is no room for me. That space has been filled. You said so yourself...long ago...under the light of the sun. You said it and my heart sank because I saw it was true.

I'm not sorry I'm a lady, just saddened that I can't bend the rules every now and then...out there. Here, I can bend them all I want. Actually, here...there are no rules. Here, it's alright that you belong to the winds and I to the oceans. At least, here, I get a taste. For fu*k's sake, I get a taste! Still, it's only imagination. Here, I don't mind being tempted. I give in, without shame or regret. I create every scene, every act, every gesture. I make up every word, every sentence, every scenario. I decide on the landscape. I decide what you'll say. I say what I've always wanted to say but could never muster out there...out there in the world...among the living and the dead.

So, I ask the Gods and Goddesses...the Angels and Demons...whomever will listen. Stay out of my space! Take your judgments and leave me alone. Here, I don't ask for your help. Here, I don't need it.