Monday, December 4, 2017

Gods & Goddesses - Part 2

I could have cried when he told me I was being dramatic and that he didn't like that. I felt like a child in that moment. It's as if I'd been trying so hard to be on my best behaviour, to be the perfect specimen, only to be scolded...for nothing. I'm telling you, it was for nothing. If anything, I had shown concern for him. Innocently. No big deal. But, no...I was the 'dramatic' one, the one who indulged in 'dramas'. He clearly doesn't know me.

I realized in that moment that nothing good could ever really come from knowing him. I want a connection, real interaction. He doesn't want to be vulnerable. He fears all of that. And, I'm bored. That's boring. Fun and laughs but no intimacy? I can't stand that world. It wreaks of fear and control. I don't know why he thinks it's okay to talk to me like that. Truth be told, if I'd really been behaving that way, I'd want someone to call me on it. But that would have only worked if I was going on and on about something that was going on in my life. That wasn't the case. I was showing concern for him and what he was going through. I guess I was showing too much affection?

That's what's so unnerving about him. He doesn't understand that he can be a strong and sensitive man at the same time. He won't lose his manliness by being vulnerable. But, what do I know? I'm just a woman who talks too much and is too emotional.

This isn't about him, though. This is about me. I'm writing to sort out my thoughts and my feelings. When he's mean, I retreat back into my chair. It's an automatic response. I cower away. I'm interested to know why I cower away. Who am I responding to, really? My father? A projection? I feel voiceless. I hate feeling voiceless...shut down...muted. Back in the day, I may have remained silent...out of fear...or shame. Maybe a bit of both. I think of my mother...of every woman who's ever had to keep quiet out of fear of being reprimanded or belittled.

I haven't mastered the art of response. I react but I'm much quicker on my feet. Maybe, I have improved over time. I can be sharp and hurtful with my words. Why wouldn't I be? If he's going to dish it out, why wouldn't I defend myself? Maybe, silence would have been a better tactic. But, silence has been my friend for way too long. Then I was deemed rude. For defending myself. I guess he would have preferred I stayed quiet. Then he would have felt in control. I would have been the good and submissive woman.

I am the Goddess to the God he is not. He can never be the God to the Goddess I am.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Gods & Goddesses

I take a glimpse out the window. The heat of the candles inside create a peaceful ambiance and atmosphere. The cold outside is bitter but it makes me long for Spring. It's okay. For now, I bundle up warm and gather my resources within. I think of days gone by, how they've blended together to create one note. My note. It makes no difference the span or duration...this note, this the same within and throughout for what I am and what I see is a reflection of who I am.

This world is upside down. We don't see. I feel alone in this place. I am misunderstood. I cannot be reached. The Stars reach me, though. The Sun. The Moon. They reach me. I reach them. Out there, nothing but humans. When we fail, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we want, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we want our needs met, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we use others to get what we want, we say, "Well, I'm only human." Right. So what? Tell me something useful. Show me more than this. But than this, you know there's nothing...

Man is lonely. Man is small. But, he has the potential to be so much more. Greater than who he is now. I realize in his current state, he can never be the God to my Goddess. And I cannot be a Goddess to the God he is not.

Oh, midnight skies, how I embrace you. You're the silence that is music to my ears! I take a deep breath and tilt my head back and remember. I remember what was and what is no more. What will tomorrow bring? More of the same, I wonder? That's fine, too, I think - more of the 'same'. I have an opportunity to see this sameness in a new way...if I make a shift within myself, if I make an effort. Maybe 'sameness' has never been the problem. Maybe, maybe, it's always been me and my perceived limitations. What resides in this thing we call 'routine'? I see the bare trees. I feel the wind in my hair. I feel the warmth of my heart. I see and feel the open skies. I understand the rain. I'm nourished by the food I prepare. I scent my space with sweet perfumes. I read literature that lifts my soul. I write and explore to nourish myself. This is my routine. This is my sameness. Yes, I also work. I clean. I watch television. I experience this routine with my, routine doesn't have to feel like a negative. Maybe there's a negative connotation to 'routine' because we're fragmented in our relationship to it. We aren't present fully to these moments. We favour some over others. But, time is time so we have to make the best out of all of it.

I remember when I felt there was promise. I remember when I sensed a door was opening. All I had to do was take the first step in, but I didn't. I couldn't. Something about him wouldn't let me. But, I wanted to. A part of me really wanted to. To do those things I never did as a teen, as a young woman.

I feel things about myself I never felt then. I see things about myself I didn't understand then. Nothing outside of myself can feed what only I can feed to myself. It's okay that I'm not seen. It's alright that he can't reach me. It's fine that he doesn't want to. It's all okay. Because he's not the God to the Goddess that I am. I'll always be the Goddess to the God he is not.