Monday, December 4, 2017

Gods & Goddesses - Part 2

I could have cried when he told me I was being dramatic and that he didn't like that. I felt like a child in that moment. It's as if I'd been trying so hard to be on my best behaviour, to be the perfect specimen, only to be scolded...for nothing. I'm telling you, it was for nothing. If anything, I had shown concern for him. Innocently. No big deal. But, no...I was the 'dramatic' one, the one who indulged in 'dramas'. He clearly doesn't know me.

I realized in that moment that nothing good could ever really come from knowing him. I want a connection, real interaction. He doesn't want to be vulnerable. He fears all of that. And, I'm bored. That's boring. Fun and laughs but no intimacy? I can't stand that world. It wreaks of fear and control. I don't know why he thinks it's okay to talk to me like that. Truth be told, if I'd really been behaving that way, I'd want someone to call me on it. But that would have only worked if I was going on and on about something that was going on in my life. That wasn't the case. I was showing concern for him and what he was going through. I guess I was showing too much affection?

That's what's so unnerving about him. He doesn't understand that he can be a strong and sensitive man at the same time. He won't lose his manliness by being vulnerable. But, what do I know? I'm just a woman who talks too much and is too emotional.

This isn't about him, though. This is about me. I'm writing to sort out my thoughts and my feelings. When he's mean, I retreat back into my chair. It's an automatic response. I cower away. I'm interested to know why I cower away. Who am I responding to, really? My father? A projection? I feel voiceless. I hate feeling voiceless...shut down...muted. Back in the day, I may have remained silent...out of fear...or shame. Maybe a bit of both. I think of my mother...of every woman who's ever had to keep quiet out of fear of being reprimanded or belittled.

I haven't mastered the art of response. I react but I'm much quicker on my feet. Maybe, I have improved over time. I can be sharp and hurtful with my words. Why wouldn't I be? If he's going to dish it out, why wouldn't I defend myself? Maybe, silence would have been a better tactic. But, silence has been my friend for way too long. Then I was deemed rude. For defending myself. I guess he would have preferred I stayed quiet. Then he would have felt in control. I would have been the good and submissive woman.

I am the Goddess to the God he is not. He can never be the God to the Goddess I am.

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