Saturday, October 19, 2024

His Shoes

It's just a turnover of younger and younger people. Why do I come here? They're stupid and naive. Some can articulate and discuss but their ideas aren't fully formed. So the moment they try to argue, you can see the holes...only because you remember yourself in those moments many years ago.

It's just the nature of things. To think you know everything and then to wake up one morning and know you actually don't know much of anything at all! Knowing and understanding are not the same thing. 

You can know something and not understand how you know it. And then you can understand something and know it to be true. Understanding is key and it requires engagement from ourselves. I think it involves different factors, which includes being in another person's shoes. 

Oh the things you can see when you imagine yourself as someone else. You can hear all the things they don't say. You can see where they fall short, how they beat themselves up, how dark and lonely they can be.

Sometimes, the ego shows up to suggest that if they only do a, b, or c, they'd be better off. The implication is that YOU or I would behave differently because we're smarter or know better. That isn't the definition of compassion though, is it?

Judgment, between you and I, should not take up any space. But, it does. It takes up too much space. It covers nations with clouds of angry fuel. Even the sun fails to penetrate through all of that.

Gosh, if we could only take up space with what is good, can you imagine the ripple effect? 


Monday, October 14, 2024

Traitors

I know I shouldn't wish for such things and my wavering over the years about whether to stay or go, has proven I'm more lost now than ever.

I don't think I've ever despised someone as much as I despise him. The part that really sucks is that I've never liked him. I thought he was a weasel and immature right from the start. But, I stayed with him because I felt he was the lesser of two evils. Overall, I know I made the right decision. Yet, I've paid in other ways with my sense of self-worth taking a dive, forced to battle someone else's issues and controlling, bordering on obsessive, behaviour. 

I know this moment can't be any other way than what it is now. I know it's just more fuel for me to get this show on the road! 

I remember hearing about some old man who got a rolex watch for time well served and thinking to myself, "He got a rolex watch after doing time in prison!" And in my gut of guts, I saw the horror of that reality - how easy it is to be thrown away in an upside down world when no one has anymore use for you. That what most people are striving for is retirement, speaks to the truth of what I'm trying to articulate here. To be retired is to be dead. It's not an accident that these two words are inextricably linked. 

Oh G*d, don't let this be me! I beg this of Thee! Every coach from life coaches to any role under the sun, one can play for money, is selling you what you have to be in order to be successful. The framework is founded on money. It isn't connected to anything higher than oneself. The goal is money. Success equals lots and lots of money. It sickens me. That's why the corporate world and those who make it their god - on so many levels - has joined the rat race. How can people not see this? Because money is their god.

Well, it isn't mine. 

I'm tired of working to build and materialize someone else's vision while I'm made to feel guilty for receiving a 'stable' income or while he gets paid the big bucks no matter whether he deems it a 'good' month versus a 'bad' one. I'm not entertaining his need for greed. That's his problem!

But you know what really sucks about working for someone for as long as I have? Discovering they don't have your back. Discovering you're really not part of a team at all despite their words to the contrary. Nothing but empty words...words that never lead to any real action. I'll never accept how he threw me under the bus, for undermining me in 'private' to a client - never. Clearly, I was meant to see this email he had tried to conceal from me. 

I'll have my say. He'll never use our weekly meetings to vent about his problems ever again. I'll make sure of it. I'm not his sounding board. I'm not his opportunity to be used as a scapegoat for his failings. 

What an insecure fool to give himself away so carelessly.