Friday, December 1, 2017

Gods & Goddesses

I take a glimpse out the window. The heat of the candles inside create a peaceful ambiance and atmosphere. The cold outside is bitter but it makes me long for Spring. It's okay. For now, I bundle up warm and gather my resources within. I think of days gone by, how they've blended together to create one note. My note. It makes no difference the span or duration...this note, this the same within and throughout for what I am and what I see is a reflection of who I am.

This world is upside down. We don't see. I feel alone in this place. I am misunderstood. I cannot be reached. The Stars reach me, though. The Sun. The Moon. They reach me. I reach them. Out there, nothing but humans. When we fail, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we want, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we want our needs met, we say, "Well, I'm only human." When we use others to get what we want, we say, "Well, I'm only human." Right. So what? Tell me something useful. Show me more than this. But than this, you know there's nothing...

Man is lonely. Man is small. But, he has the potential to be so much more. Greater than who he is now. I realize in his current state, he can never be the God to my Goddess. And I cannot be a Goddess to the God he is not.

Oh, midnight skies, how I embrace you. You're the silence that is music to my ears! I take a deep breath and tilt my head back and remember. I remember what was and what is no more. What will tomorrow bring? More of the same, I wonder? That's fine, too, I think - more of the 'same'. I have an opportunity to see this sameness in a new way...if I make a shift within myself, if I make an effort. Maybe 'sameness' has never been the problem. Maybe, maybe, it's always been me and my perceived limitations. What resides in this thing we call 'routine'? I see the bare trees. I feel the wind in my hair. I feel the warmth of my heart. I see and feel the open skies. I understand the rain. I'm nourished by the food I prepare. I scent my space with sweet perfumes. I read literature that lifts my soul. I write and explore to nourish myself. This is my routine. This is my sameness. Yes, I also work. I clean. I watch television. I experience this routine with my, routine doesn't have to feel like a negative. Maybe there's a negative connotation to 'routine' because we're fragmented in our relationship to it. We aren't present fully to these moments. We favour some over others. But, time is time so we have to make the best out of all of it.

I remember when I felt there was promise. I remember when I sensed a door was opening. All I had to do was take the first step in, but I didn't. I couldn't. Something about him wouldn't let me. But, I wanted to. A part of me really wanted to. To do those things I never did as a teen, as a young woman.

I feel things about myself I never felt then. I see things about myself I didn't understand then. Nothing outside of myself can feed what only I can feed to myself. It's okay that I'm not seen. It's alright that he can't reach me. It's fine that he doesn't want to. It's all okay. Because he's not the God to the Goddess that I am. I'll always be the Goddess to the God he is not.

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