Monday, December 15, 2014

Fear to Trust

I look through the window of an old abandoned place. There are some chairs, a sofa...a mantle piece. I take a walk around the back...nothing but woods and trees.

I think of this old home, who lived in it, who sat on the couch...on those chairs...who stared at the fire when it burned...whether anyone even looked. How worn out and faded this house looks...just like me...just like me.

I take a walk through the woods. I don't know where it will take me but there are times, I beg, I pray for someone to tell me where it will take me. No one answers. No one ever answers, until I take a wrong turn, and I see that it's too late...and there's no turning back. I have to be careful out these woods. There are no guarantees.

There are days when I am fearless. There are days when I welcome the darkness, when I yearn for it just so that I might find the light...a spark...a flame...Then, I see that I am fine. Can I not trust out here? Will the trees deceive me? No. Will this path before me, deceive me? How can it? I deceive myself. I pretend not to hear when I can hear. I pretend not to see when I can see. But, out here, I see the truth. I see who I am. I see what I am. I see what I want. Though, is it what I need?

But, I'm a fool. I am afraid. I'm afraid of the light even more than the dark. He brings the light. He brings what I've been looking for? I want to take...I want to dip my foot in the pool...but, I see that I can't. I see that I don't know how. I smell a sweet fragrance. I taste freedom. I hear a melody...a, I can't place. My guard is up because experience has shown me how fragile I can be. I say I don't want to live like that but what am I supposed to do? I know what man can do. I've seen what man can do. I want to trust. I want to trust...but, this fear..this fear is too big...too crippling.

I'm too broken. Can I be fixed? They say that true happiness is cultivated from within...but, I believe in a happiness that can be cultivated with the "other." I believe in a happiness that can be accessed through the other. Am I naive?

I dance under the moon. She knows who I am. She shines her silvery light upon me. Life can be cruel and her timing can be impeccable so, I embrace this moment because what else can I do? Hope it was different than what it is? I have no choice but to take it one day at a time. Yes, life can be show me a possibility, to provide an opportunity, to let me see a potential, to let me taste this honey and smell this beautiful red rose...knowing I can't fully reach for it, knowing how badly I want to. I'm well aware of those thorns. I don't want the thorns. I'm tired of thorns.

I've learned to be private, to stay quiet. I'm an observer. I watch and listen. Life has also shown me that good can come from bad experiences. If I don't take a risk, how can I experience the magic? How can I hold back out of fear of what might happen? Out of fear of the consequences? I can't imagine living another year like this. I should be grateful, right? That these opportunities come? On the one hand, I feel the anticipation, the joy, and on the other, I see the price I have to pay...because nothing is for free. Nothing. Not even Love. He's right. I hate that he's right. I dislike this truth. I wish I was free like him. I wish I was light like him. He's free and light in ways I'm not.

I'm comfortable in my own little this little life I've built for myself. And, I'm also miserable and restless. If I don't do something about this energy, this passion within me, I'm just going to burn and turn to ash. I don't want to be a withering leaf. I have too much to give, too much to offer. I don't want it to go to waste. I don't want to go to waste.

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