Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Wholeness of Love

I take some sea salt and pour it into the water. I wait for the water to fill the tub. The heat creates steam and the mirror begins to fog. I place one leg into the tub and then the other. The warmth is comforting and soothing. I lay down, my legs outstretched and I smile. I'm so happy and at peace, here. This is heaven on earth. I sense where I come from. I know why I was born. In this here and now, all there is, is everything. In this moment, I expand to fill the entire room. I belong.

The water knows me. She's nourishing. She feeds all those places nothing and no one else can. I take my brush and comb my hair down, slowly...sensually. I wear a seashell necklace. Tea light candles burn all around. Each flame represents a piece of me. I decide when to blow them out.

I take my hands to my chest. I feel my highs and my lows. I take some pomegranate oil and massage it into my arms, my breasts, stomach and pelvis. I rub some oil on my face, then take a cloth to wipe it off...again, slowly...respectfully and with sensuality. In this space, I feel humbled.

I can hear the rain and I remember. The sound of the rain helps me see how alone I really am. It's okay because I'm taking in every little thing around me. I'm soaking it all in. This is my life and it's perfect just the way it is, even if it isn't exactly the way I want it or had hoped for. So what? I'm not really alone. Ever.

People just mess things up when you let them in. Nothing's gonna change my world...No one's gonna change my world. Where I come from, people are up front. They don't feel the need to play games or lie. When they care for you, you don't have to wonder or guess whether they do. You just know that they do. Their actions tell you they do. It's in their voice, their gestures. Eyeing your breasts, hips and legs, doesn't count, although it can be flattering...sort of.

Those days of innocence are over, huh? Not all women are the same. Not all women are gold diggers. And not all women will spread their legs to avoid having to feel their aloneness. Not all men are pigs. But, if he is one, he doesn't respect your mind or your heart. He only sees your pretty face, only your breasts underneath your clothes...your legs and derriere. That's all. And if he's jaded by a past love, you can forget about him. He's too guarded to ever open up his heart to you. He'll never trust you. Time heals all wounds but when we love, our hearts can heal faster. I forget where I read that. A man who tells you he will never fall in love again is also telling you that he doesn't want a commitment. He wants to keep it light, go with the flow...have strings attached.

Well, I value my mind. I value my heart. I value my body. And, he's got to value my mind. He's got to value my heart. I already know he values my body...but, that isn't enough, not for me. Ah, call me naive. Call me stupid. Call me ignorant. It makes no difference. I deserve better.

So what if he thinks you're beautiful? So what if he thinks you're "different" than the others? So what? How much can that mean if he doesn't ask about you? If he doesn't want to know your name? If he doesn't want to read what you are? If he doesn't want to know who you are? If he doesn't want to be asked about his own life? How can he really be interested in you as a person? He can't be. He just can't be.

Attraction pulls and creates a desire to know more, or at least, that's what I thought. Good for you if that's what you want. To me, it's empty and vacant. There are no promises, no guarantees, no expectations. But, I do have an expectation and if this expectation isn't met, I walk away because I respect myself. Who's gonna respect you if you don't respect yourself? What a turn off it is to see desperation in grown men. What a turn off to feel their eyes on me except for my face. What a turn off to see that I just finished talking and they didn't hear a thing I said! They all talk the same language using different words. Some come off more sincere but then when you take a good hard look, they're all saying the same meaningless thing, reducing everything to nothing! You're not a diamond in the rough, unless you believe you are! I shine bright!

I believe in love. No matter what. And maybe, I'm a little guarded, too. Maybe the walls around my heart are tough and secure. I figure, though, when someone truly cares, they'll help me tear down these walls...slowly, carefully, passionately, respectfully, humbly...sensually. Because more than anything, I want to be accepted. All of me. Only one part of me, won't do.

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