Friday, September 3, 2010


It's been three months since my last post. So much has happened. I don't feel so purposeless, quite so aimless these days. I refuse to be a feather in the wind but sometimes, just sometimes, I must be nothing but this very feather in the wind letting this god take me anywhere, everywhere, and nowhere simultaneously. Yes, there is freedom in this kind of letting go. To want and need nothing.

Don't get me wrong, my sword is still close by. No one understands or sees what I can sense through this mighty piece of steel. No one sees what power I can tap into when it's held tightly in my grip. I sit transfixed, staring off into the distance and then I hear you. When I'm in doubt, your voice cradles me, nudges me, to hold my head up high because you understand, I'm neither here nor there. I am beyond this place and these things and yet I am less than the shoes on my feet. I sigh, and then take a deep breath. You tell me the answers will come and I wait and you do know how I wait? By this chair, this couch, this phone, this house, this person, that person. I wait and wait and sometimes you come and other times, I'm left wanting, abandoned and confused by your indifference. You'll tell me it's for my own good. You'll say it's how things should be. Or do you? No, no, this must be my voice speaking now.

Don't tell me I'm asleep. Don't tell me I'm a fool. I'm no fool. Don't tell me I'm like the others. Don't tell me that I or man cannot be more than what we are. You're the fool. He says, As above, so below. She says, As inside, so outside. What I wouldn't give for more than a glimpse of the real in others. What I wouldn't give for this kind of beauty, this kind of intimacy. But I lack lustre and so I can't expect from others what I am not for myself. It's hard traveling inward, going deep, way deep down inside where the little devils reside. Some people only touch the surface. I want the jewel and I won't get to the jewel until I cross the abyss. There is no other way.

I can play it safe though if I want but then I'll only achieve half the results and even then, it simply won't be good enough...for me. It would be false and I am true. I am true. So if you want to speak to me, then speak. Come out from under your rock. Let your tongue reflect sincerity but if it should not, then keep your mouth closed for I see what you are. I see how you hide, how you lie, how you cheat, how you believe in yourself, in a self that is not. I see your eyes, that light which remains trapped behind layers of fear and loneliness. If you could see how you control beyond your capacity to be, you would understand how pointless all of it really is, how you say one thing and do another because you are not real. But I am. I am.

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