Flesh & Bones

I take off my clothes, one piece at a time. Slowly. I know he's watching. He thinks I can't see him. He can look all he wants. He'll never touch.

I'm just flesh and bones. Nothing more. That's all he'll ever see. I'm a woman of convenience. I'm a giver. He'd be taken care of. He'd have all his needs met. That's what he wants but since I'm just flesh and bones, he's getting none of it.

Because I'm more than this flesh and these bones. He can't see that. He can't see me. But, I see him clearly. 

A confused man is the worst kind. Why would I waste my time on a man who isn't sure? Clearly, he's got nothing for me. I want heart above all things and his heart is closed to me. If I was just flesh and bones, I could give myself away. I could slip into pleasure and fantasy. I could do all those things he finds no problem with. If only I were just flesh and bones...how happy I would be...

Hmmm.

No. How unhappy I would be.

I'll take this sadness over that kind, any time. I see it now - the moment after having shared intimacy with a person who never cared to know me. I'll remember all the charming things he'd said and then I'll feel sick to my stomach, at how I allowed myself to be conned by...libido. I'll see that's all it was. And he never said it would be anything more than that. So the feeling of sickness would grip me more. What would he see? He'd see he was more than just flesh and bones, to me. He'd see just another woman, another stupid woman, another lonely woman, a woman who needs a man like him to wave his wand around. Please. He'd see nothing more than flesh and bones.

I refuse to be reduced to that for...pleasure? What does pleasure have on me? Nothing.

What does he have that I can't give to myself? Nothing.

I brush my hair for five minutes. I then proceed to apply some rose and coconut oil to my legs, my behind and move up along my stomach towards my chest. I'm extra careful there. I make sure to be as sensual as I can because every moment counts. I count. Backwards and forwards and all the way around...

Do you know what I'd lose by spending a night with him? With a man who doesn't love me? 

All that makes me the woman I am. Do you think I'd pay that price? For a man who's like every other man? Who has no trouble penetrating any woman? Why would I want to be in that category? Why would I want to be reduced to a number? Or a faceless being? I can do that all by myself. I don't need his help.

I lay on the bed before putting my clothes on. I spread my arms out and raise my legs up. I stare at the ceiling. A hint of light comes through the curtains. I can hear soft rain against the balcony rails. I smell the freshness of the air and grass nearby. 

I smile. He'll never taste what I am. Oh yes, I am expensive and all the money in the world can't buy what I am. If all he wants is flesh and bones, he can get that anywhere.