Soul

I feel myself retreating back to that place I recognize, that place that I can surrender to after the honesty of disillusionment. When I sit on my bed and listen to music, I get in touch with that part of me which is real and this time I whispered to Mary in the dark, "No more," as I placed my hand starting at the base of my abdomen sliding it upwards across my chest, over my heart, "I'm shutting her down."

It felt like I was drawing a blind, fighting gravity and an impossible task. Because I'm a feeler. I'm an empath. I'm clairaudient/voyant/sentient/cognizant. I'm all those things I thought were reserved for 'other' people. And at the same time, I thought it was all just a part of what it meant to be human. I mean, doesn't everyone experience these things? Apparently, not. I was told that genuine empaths don't know they're empaths. I didn't have a name for my experiences. I never had a label for any of it. 

When you feel the sting of this life and all that it entails, the anger is enough to keep you on the straight and narrow. There are no gurus. There are no therapists. There are no leaders. There are no coaches. And that suits me just fine. I've never needed one. To my surprise, I'm actually two steps ahead of these people but for whatever reason, I play dumb to appease them, to make them feel needed because there's no way I'm 'special'. 

One of my chief features is to be accepted. But, people are people. We play roles. We put on our best face when we first meet someone. We are not who we show the world. The ones who know us, know us well...flaws and all. Because we are ultimately imperfect beings. If you're going to look up to someone, you'd better make sure to take off the rose-coloured glasses. You're looking at an imperfect being. And that would be a true assessment because you're imperfect, too. 

We put certain people up on pedestals and what I've realized is that all of these people we unconsciously worship, have to use the toilet, too! Do you understand? I am turned off by the superficiality of the spiritual community, of the wellness community, of self-help movements. The only guidance we ought to follow is the one that comes from within. We let others speak for us. It's time we learn how to listen to that voice which is always good and true. But do you know how to hear it? Learning how to do this is the only worthwhile task of one's life. 

Apparently, I'm a starseed, too, with lineages going way back. I hear Angel Uriel. I have been visited by not so good spirits. I've dreamed of the dead. I wake up saying things that don't come from me. I hear messages meant specifically for me. I dream of Mary. I dream of Jesus. I experience uncanny synchronicities...and on and on it goes. 

I'll tell you, there are times when I'm comforted, like right now as I write this because next to me in this space is a companion who's been with me since I first began to write. This is sacred space.

But there are other times, when I don't feel any comfort at all, when the landscape of this life is so empty and so vast, it swallows me whole. I can't help that the veil was thin when I was born. That I can't unsee what I've seen, what I continue to see with such unrelenting mercilessness, I wonder why I'm being punished.

Because it is a form of punishment to be in this world with people who've lost the plot, with people who've made money their ultimate goal under the guise of helping people. It is absolute bull-shit. The only people they're helping is themselves and their families - and that doesn't count.

I'm tired of the same talk, the same meaningless focus on all the wrong things. All so we can carve out a nice little place for ourselves and tell eachother we did something of value, something worthy.

It's not enough for me. It's a soul-sucking machine. The superficiality from which people operate on this planet cuts so deep, I'm wounded in it. So I'll continue here in my own way, with my own epiphanies, and make sure to write it all down. 

Because I matter. I'm the real you can't see. And I'm only learning just now how that isn't my fault. It's never been my fault. If I should come back, may I come back as me because her soul's intact and this soul is the only thing worth building, worth protecting.