Misconceptions And Assumptions

I feel a recalibration from the way things were or thought they were. I'm such a fool. He'd be wrong. I am too open and with the wrong people. He now belongs to that category. I refuse to lose any part of me this time.

When you're dealing with ignorance, I tell myself, I can handle that. I mean, you can't help people being unaware or stupid. It's out of your control. But, to share openly with a person in the spiritual community that you've told yourself you can trust, and then having to regret letting them in - what disappointment. I can't even begin to tell you. I'm tired and I've said it all before. This isn't my first rodeo. For fuck's sake, these people are in the business of healing! 

Mark my words, and this is a vow I make with myself right here, right now. I shall never reach out to another reader again. Ever. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Well I am the teacher now because I passed the test. 

What doesn't sit well with me is the stench of arrogance. Like I said, there could be one hundred lines on a page. But, it'll only take one to hurt you. And I'm no different. After I'd read the comment, it made me question all the exchanges that came before it. Did I say too much in my feedback? Was I too open? Did I suddenly become a client who he thought, needed therapy? I'll never know. I sent a restrained and kind reply and will never return to him for another reading. He killed the dynamic and ease I'd felt. I couldn't go back even if I wanted to. I no longer feel free and safe in it.

Readers who set the stage to make you as comfortable as possible and then indirectly throw it back in your face when they misinterpret your intent because they didn't like a question you posed - I don't understand that. Shame on them and their holier than thou attitude.

I understand transference. I, too, can read people. I just asked him his name. Actually, I did not ask directly. I mentioned that I wondered if he was the person I thought I was speaking with - after 4 months of correspondence. Totally innocent and sincere. And he decided to make it a 'thing'. 

He was lucky to have a client like me, someone willing to do the work. 

Shiggle The Electric Mist Out

There could be one hundred sentences on a page. But it only takes one to hurt you. Maybe that's what it takes to change courses or remain where you are. Maybe that's the sign you've been waiting for. A distant cry in the dark that says, "Time to move on."

So I'm moving on. I'm letting it go - an exchange I thought was meaningful. It's not everyday - if ever - you can openly talk about galactic beings and starseed lineages, dark spirits, synchronicities, lucid dreams, messages from the departed without it all eventually becoming exactly what they warn you about in the fine print - "for entertainment purposes only."

I shared personal events of my life. I shared about things I'd only ever written down - for my eyes only. And then I encounter an evolved human being...I mean, a real human being. I felt seen. The only other person who sees me as I really am is my husband. 

To be seen by another after sharing what I've carried in my heart for years, was freeing. I felt validated by another being...by the real. I should have kept all of it within, never uttering a word, because it was my magic to feel, my magic to experience, my magic to engage, my magic to wrestle with. 

I make a comment to him wondering if he's the person I think I'm speaking with. It was innocent, playful, curious. After ten plus readings, why shouldn't I wonder? Instead of responding directly, he adds a line that suggests I might be giving more meaning to our correspondence than what it is - which is already valuable in its own right. Sigh.

I know a projection when I see one. I know what a power play feels like. I'm an intuitive warrior. He should have known that would land hard after what I've divulged. I understand this journey is mine and mine alone. And here my guide comes chiming in from the side so as not to shock me head on...but even my guide failed. I didn't see it coming.

I learned a lot about myself and who I am. There's no doubt about it. I am grateful to see what I'm made of. I'm glad to see how human I truly am. People could use the lesson. I stopped looking up a long time ago. I have never placed anyone on a pedestal since 2013. And I certainly didn't now and never shall I again. 

This work is hard. When you bare yourself vulnerable and all they can do is get their back up because you indirectly asked them a valid question, let the insecurity be theirs. He completely changed the emotional atmosphere. 

I can't go back there, to that place I used to feel so much ease. Let that be a reminder to me - that this place right here is my safe haven. Here, words actually matter, mean something...because I say they do. 

I'm shiggling this electric mist out. I have always been who I've been looking for.