Signs

I think of you often. I try not to, you know? But, purple monkey is always around. I distract myself by watching movies or engaging in creative work and then suddenly, gravity pulls me back to a whole bunch of unanswered questions.

I'm having a hard time accepting I'll never have them. I could ask you though, couldn't I? But, the risk is too great. I'd be opening up pandora's box. I'm not ready for the opening of the floodgates. I don't think I ever could.

The resistance is strong, too. This pendulum keeps swinging and never quite settles long enough in the middle. Yet, the middle holds its own truths. It's quiet, less dramatic, routine-like...boring.

Because generally, I'm okay with silence. It's my home, my sanctuary. And now, when I retreat back to myself, I find you there. So what can I do? Tell me what to do? Pretend that I need you. Pretend that I want you to tell me how to navigate this. Decide for me. Take a chance. Do all those things I can't manage to do.

Yet, I see that I actually don't want you to do any of these things. You'll take me away from the center again to an extreme. I don't exist well in extremes or ultimatums...even over the top, excitement. My heart can't handle it. Every high has a low and if I'm too high, I'm already programmed to anticipate the blow of the low.

You and I must be alike. So continue to stay in your lane. I'll continue to stay in mine. It's not your fault you failed to read the signs along the way. It's not my fault I know when to be stoic.