You, Again

I'm not sure whether I like you anymore. The Ashwagandha supplement I've been taking is contributing to my most recent vivid dreams. 

There you are again. We're sitting side by side but you don't say a word. It's a cold day. Again, all I can see are greys and shades of navy blue. There are so many people gathered together, as though we're all friends. I can't make out where we are but I find out quickly that behind this place is a body of water with huge rocks. On the other side, is where most people are hanging around, including you, sitting on a chair on a porch with your feet up. 

I look at you but you don't look up at me. I know that you can see me looking at you. But, it doesn't make a difference. You're not the same guy I remember. You're distant and vacant, like no one's home.

I head for the water...because that's my home. It feels like a storm is coming. Or has it already come and gone? I make my way back to the other side where you are but when I take a quick glance, you're no longer sitting on the porch. I feel a weight again in my stomach. A sadness washes over me, the kind I should have let the water handle.

I leave this place now and reach the street waiting for the lights to turn green. As I wait, I look behind me to see where you might be. You're no where. I turn my head back to the lights. I notice two guys playing with some ice along the street. It's left-over ice, filled with dirt and debris, the kind that takes the longest to disappear before spring claims the scene. One of the guys takes my hand to help me to the other side of the street so I don't slip and fall. I let him. He's kind. A stranger. He doesn't know me. And I don't know him. It's pleasant. A gesture of warmth on a cold day. He adds some much needed colour. Because you've managed to take it all away. And you didn't have to do much. You only had to do nothing. That upsets me.

It's time for me to get into the backseat of a car. There you are on the right. Someone else joins us. I don't know who it is but he's not doing well. I let him get in first so I don't sit in the middle of the two of you and to avoid sitting so close to you. That bothered you. In a way, it bothered me, too. Because I wanted to sit next to you. But the thought of being rejected again by you felt unfair and not bearable. Better like this, I thought. Yes, better like this.

It's just my mind working things out. I'm not sure it's doing a good job. How many more of these dreams do I need to have in order to see who you are? I know who you are. You're cruel. You're arrogant. You're so full of yourself. But, you're empty. An empty shell. Once I get that into my thick skull, once I really see this about you, the dreams will stop. 

And then I'll resume happier and more powerful dreams of flying in the air in my gorgeous gown, like a priestess whispering spells in the air, recalling times such as these as being nothing more than leaves changing color and falling to the ground, devoured by winter knowing full well, it's all just itching towards a brighter and more freeing day. It's coming soon. Very soon. I'll be ready.