My Name Is Rose

I can’t stand him. The way he turned on a dime. What a piece of work. Nothing worth buying or hanging on my wall, that’s for sure. To have so little respect for me, I’m still shocked. I didn’t deserve that. I deserved a response. That’s all. And, apparently that was too much for the guy. 

Now, when I look back, I can’t believe I overlooked his arrogance and lack of depth. Why would I do that? What’s wrong with these men? To think they’re God’s gifts to the world. What a fake. What a heartless, cold and insecure little shit. What a huge turn off. I’m glad I’m turned off. There’s no turning back from this. There’s nothing he can say or do to change my mind about him. Absolutely nothing. He showed me who he is. And even if it wasn’t intentional, the fact that he doesn’t see he owed me a response, suggests to me, he isn’t the kind of person I want to share anymore time with. No way. I say, “Never!”

I don't know what I expected. I thought you might turn out to be more of a friend than some kind of professional acquaintance. I don't know about you, but this is old. The excitement, possibility, anticipation of joy...it's all gone. The tone is flat. No one's humming. No one's singing. There's nothing here.

It's just me and this worn out dress. The colour has faded from an emerald green. But you know, the arrangement of flowers I willed here in this space more than makes up for my lack of lustre. You don't know how hard I try in my waking life to crack a smile so my light shines through my eyes. I think my light is trapped behind fragile bones. I'm always 45 here. I like that age. Estrogen is still my friend.

I'm so free here. My body takes on a new shape. Tiny stars make up the periphery of this form. There's no way you'd mistaken me for a nobody. Only a few are welcome here, as I drag my sword across the abyss. If I can stay long enough with the truth, I'll overcome. I may even grow wings and fly to far away places, places you've never been, places people like you need psychedelics to get to. 

I never asked him to touch my hair or caress my cheek. I never asked he buy me pretty things or take me out for dinner. I never asked him to cross a line. I couldn't bear waking up the next morning feeling the silence of rejection after having given him the opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too.

Standing there, so close and yet so far, stings. It's another drop of poison after a long hiatus. My body just doesn't bounce back as quickly despite the time lapse. 

I just wanted to know you wanted me. I know my place. I know your place. I'm not that woman. I wanted, secretly. Putting myself in your shoes prevented me from making a mistake. I can't tell you how badly...ah, never mind.

He has no clue what I am. I’m the world. Nothing gets in because I’ve mastered the art of shutting the wrong people, out. While I’m dancing in my circle, in my circle for one, I twirl and I jump and I swing from side to side, without a care...in the world. 

I’m the high priestess. I know but I don’t tell what I know. Secrets stay with me. The truth is already there long before I’ve caught on. And, I catch on, and before it’s too late. Because I’m also the princess of stones, tending to my garden, while you try to take a sneak peek, only to realize to your utter dismay, that I don’t need you and never have. Never will. It’s not in my nature...to need you. 

That must rub you the wrong way. Yes, it does annoy you. I know that it does...because I’m the high priestess who knows and stays quiet...about what she knows. I don’t take initiative because I’m a Lady. A Lady won’t dare go to anyone...let alone any man. She belongs to the heavens where she can’t be defiled. Do you even know what the word means? You and your house and your cars and your money? Making money your goal, your god, diminishes your worth as a man. How can you not see that?

You can’t carry a flame to my name...because my name is Rose. It’s not that I’m too sweet for you...that isn’t it. It’s that you haven’t earned a space in my life to be worthy of my pricks...