St. Perpetua

I've been thinking about St. Perpetua. She comes and goes, moving in and out of consciousness. Like St.Theresa, she possessed great passion, a great yearning for the Beloved. That a woman, a mere mortal would give up her life for a man she had come to know as Jesus speaks to the grandeur of her heart, for that unexplainable longing to become unified and whole. She was selfless, full of compassion and let her faith and hope govern her actions. These are rare individuals who transcend time, whose centres--body, mind, heart--are in complete harmony even in the face of imminent death. That they can take a certain kind of fear and transform it into a life changing experience or in this case, a spirit altering existence should awaken us all to what we are and what we can be. But it takes a certain kind of person, doesn't it?

I can hear the sting of judgment rise up in me. I'm just human. I'm nothing but human--frail one minute, strong the next, allowing myself to be swayed to and fro from this or that. Today, I feel like this and tomorrow, who knows? But I want to be real and steady, clear and open. I have great passion too, the kind that cannot be destroyed with the passing of time or old age. It lives and breathes within each cell expanding and growing emanating from spirit, drawing the world in and I, out. There's so much beauty and a sweet residue left behind on the lips from tasting such refinement.

I have to empty myself in order to fill myself up again. This is no easy task. I'm no where close to being special. Do you know what really moves me about St. Perpetua? When they lead her and her companions into the amphitheatre to be scourged and attacked by wild animals, she found strength amidst her great suffering to get up and tend to her wounded friend Felicity. I understand she essentially died for Jesus because she wouldn't renounce her faith in Christianity but this isn't as telling of Perpetua's essence as the act of helping an other when she herself was experiencing physical harm and pain.

Lately, I have a need to want to give without forming attachments or expecting anything in return. This too is very difficult and trying. To be human is to want to be close to those we love indefinitely. Why would we want to part from those very things or people that bring us happiness? To part with them is to experience great loss. And it's this precise feeling based in fear which creates a need for control and the illusion of separation. When we understand that beginnings and endings are two faces of the same coin, we will not experience loss but truly partake of the promise that unification brings. In order to allow these relationships to be free and flowing, we must surrender to that something else.

My heart becomes filled with an immense joy when a smile surfaces on the face of someone in need, or whom I care deeply for. Sometimes, all it takes is a kind word or gesture to chase away the darkness that occupies our minds and hearts. I always remind myself that this is what I would want in my times of sorrow--to directly know, intuitively comprehend with every fibre of my being that I am not alone or separate from the Source.