Monday, March 29, 2010

The changing 'I'

Almost two weeks have passed since my last post. I can't say it wasn't intentional. I've been feeling a little reserved, somewhat bruised, a tendency towards hiding under the covers, a rock, an umbrella, anything but exposing myself, my face to the world. I consider myself true, open, and giving. And yet the idea of restraint and containment are slowly carving their niches and imprinting themselves on my mind. I'm not so free to move like a wave or the wind, the rising or setting of the sun, a bird in the sky, the turning of the earth, or the permanence of change. What a paradox, that the idea of change inherently resides in the realm of permanence.

I'm quick to judge myself. I watch her, the way she moves and interacts, the way in which she eats, the way she dresses and undresses or comes across beauty marks she knew were always there but never quite noticed until then, the way her hands cover her eyes and cheeks when feelings seem insurmountable. I notice her, the way her eyes focus on a line or color in a painting, the way she listens to music, the way she's moved by sensations lingering in her heart centre, the way she breathes and exhales. I don't always understand her. She doesn't ask for much. Intuitively she knows she has everything and needs nothing. But sometimes, just sometimes, she wonders what the other side holds. And so I'm hard on her because she's complicated, complex and yet really simple and honest. And she deserves to be happy and she is to a certain degree but she's a fool if she thinks there isn't a price to pay. She can live in dream all she wants but it won't be enough.

Then she finds me in the mirror and tells me to back off. She thinks I'm the one living in illusion. She says that I mean well but it's always at the expense of the self. She says I'm trying to be something I'm not, that I'm too busy chasing after thoughts as opposed to moving with the ebb and flow of life. She says I hold back out of fear of shame and guilt, of failure, of success, of happiness, of the consequences of living in a world of duality. She says I need to learn how to transform energy, to know and make friends with change. She says it's the only way to freedom.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

andy dufresne from 'the shawshank redemption' said, "get busy living, or get busy dying."

"too busy chasing after thoughts as opposed to moving with the ebb and flow" -- so then what is freedom? freedom seems like it should allow one to chase after whims and thoughts ... to give into the ebb and flow, letting the waves carry you off somewhere else, that's trust in the fundamental, i think. a synonymous word would be fate.