Monday, February 15, 2010

The realm of the unsaid

King Crimson's Starless has an opening melody that is unlike any other. What am I to do with a melody like that? What did Fripp have in mind? There's only two places one can go--the far past or the immediate present but never the future--the past consisting of unrealized dreams and the present, the awareness of what your life is really like. You've got to be still for that violin, that crying violin that just won't let up.

Muse's first album Showbiz was an oversight on my part. I can't believe what this album does to me. Bellamy was only 19 or 20 when he wrote the songs... Fillip is my favourite next to Unintended. The music shoots me out into space across the galaxies and then carries me on a wave back to earth over mountains and oceans, castles and forests and then out again to Mars and Venus, Saturn and Neptune... If it wasn't for music, I don't know how I'd survive, how any of us could. With Muse, I'm always walking out into some kind of torrential downpour and I don't mind it, not for one second because I always find the light and more. But truth be told, I'll take rain over sunshine anytime--to discover myself. Like I said, I lean towards the highly Romantic where Byron and Shelley roam.

Since writing my blogs and trying to be honest and truthful, I feel like I've been experiencing my life in a different way. It's like I can't hide from those things I once brushed off as unimportant or pointless. I can't run away anymore, as it were. I'm fascinated with the written word versus the spoken word. I'm fascinated by those things we don't say yet are able to hear when we speak with one another. I like how the written word can give a voice to unspoken thoughts, how it can be subtle and yet direct and profound. I like losing myself in the poetry of the piece.

I wonder what came first, the spoken word or the written word. It's hard to maintain a certain level of awareness in my daily life except when I reside here. I take refuge in music and expression in the form of writing. I think I'm also ready to pick up those pastels and coloured chalk I've neglected for way too long now. I miss the feel of the chalk between my index and middle finger. I miss getting lost in the human form and emotion.

Sometimes I wonder what all of this is for. I wonder how I'm going to be able to channel all of this energy. I don't know how to contain it. I'm so in love with this process, I'm actually afraid of it, of what it will show me, what it will tell me...about me. It's like when you fall head over heels for someone, you know, the one you didn't see coming, the unexpected one who makes you question just when you thought you had it all figured out. You want to know everything about them, what they taste like, what their fears are, what they dream of. And you want them to want you but you're afraid of what that could mean. What if Mr.Inspiration decides to leave? What if Mr.Magic no longer finds me worthy? What if Mr.Synchronicity gets bored?

What if all I'm left with is Mr.Guilt & Shame Inc.? What if Mr.Regret lingers and hovers like a bad omen? What if it's nothing but me and Mr.Disappointment? I can't have any of that. I refuse. There are always two paths in front of me. I stand between both. Path A is the comfortable path, the safe route, the one I've come to know, the one I'm supposed to greet with a smile and a warm hug. It's the path filled with all the usual and similar emotions we humans experience that often times takes away from the great and hides us from the truth. It's predictable, painfully predictable. You know how it goes--grow up, find a good job, marry, live in a big house and have some kids but never question anything. Questioning is the mirror that wakes us up to our potential. I can't tell you how many times I've cringed at this sort of nonchalant unfolding of events. Path B gives me a taste, a glimpse of something else, something more, where I see myself as I always intended myself to be but I don't know how to make it last, I don't know how to keep it present. It's full of wonder and magic, passion and beauty, darkness and depth.

When you're looking for that something, the universe answers back in a way you're able to understand. It always does. Always. I know it may seem that I am unhappy with my current lot and to some extent I have to be in order to propel me forward. One must be unsatisfied, otherwise there's no desire. I'm all about passion. For better or for worse, there's got to be passion. You don't know how many times I've wanted the answers, how I wish someone would just tell me what to do. It's not easy for us Geminis. We always have two choices but we can never seem to make a decision and when we do, it's often the wrong one. Sometimes wrong decisions are necessary to help us see what the right ones are.

I think there's a third path. It's the one that becomes apparent to you when you're not choosing between Path A or Path B, when you relinquish all control. It involves a complete surrendering. You don't know what's going to happen, how things will transpire but you trust all will be well. The blessings come in the form of revelations, situations, events, and people. An other is always involved in the transformation. Something about their light attracts your own. They more than help to change the course of your life. They change everything. Everything.

I don't know how I come up with this stuff. I really don't. I don't. Sometimes as I'm writing, I feel like the universe finds a clear opening to move through me. And then all of this is a result. I feel like a rag doll, moving from this place to that. And I'm supposed to be accepting of that? Yes, in many ways, I don't have a choice. I asked for this. Sometimes you have to be careful what you ask for because you may not be ready for what comes, especially if it's filled with intensity and heart, the kind you've been searching for your whole life.

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