'Casual' Relationships

We're together in his home.

He points to a house outside and says, "That's where I live." I'm confused and think - Oh, he has two homes. And, so close together??

I keep looking at the house outside. I notice the upstairs curtains are drawn open and wide. I imagine seeing someone come to the window. I imagine catching the person's silhouette. I imagine seeing a shadow, a glimpse of a person. I keep staring at it and then think to tell a joke by saying, "Oh, who's that woman standing at the window?" But, I don't. I don't dare...because a part of me is worried I already know the truth, that if I see a woman standing at that window, she must be his.

I understand myself in that moment. I understand a fundamental truth about myself. I don't want to ever be the 'other woman'.

He takes my hands and we both kneel down. I know what's coming next. I want but, not like this. It looks like we're in that space between the kitchen and living room. I instantly feel a disconnect, like he's playing a role, the same role he plays with every woman. I don't feel his heart. I see that he doesn't 'see' me. He only connects with my body but he fails to see that I can't connect with him unless he's connected to all of me. 

I immediately think - Oh no, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. I must go. I need to go. My integrity must remain intact. I will not give of myself so freely. He isn't worthy. I must have seen his smile a hundred times but here, it wreaks of meaninglessness. I can't engage. I'm trying to extract something more from his eyes, those hands...but, I can't. There's nothing to extract. I can't take what he isn't offering. I can't take what he's unwilling to give. I can't take what isn't there. I can't absorb. I can't process. I'm just a body. I'm only a body. I'm nothing more than this body...to him - he, who seeks pleasure.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and he looks at me. I smile back at him. He turns to answer it. I'm surprised. It dawns on me that I'm in my underwear. I try to conceal myself. It's a man and three children. They enter the home. I think - why wouldn't he want to protect me, conceal me or encourage me to go into another room so that I don't feel exposed? I see that he doesn't cherish me. But, he doesn't...he doesn't lift a finger to show me I'm worth something to him, which means I must not mean all that much. He doesn't value me. I try to enter another room through the hallway, discreetly. The man and three children walk past but they don't look at me. They don't even know that I'm there. I am invisible. 

I notice two boxes of tampons and pads on the floor by the wall. I wonder who they belong to. I pretend it doesn't bother me too much...to see these tampons and pads.

The next thing I remember is being at a friend's home. It's a gathering. I notice some of the men from my neighborhood cafe sitting on one of the sofas. I see him sitting on the opposite sofa with a woman. I'm standing by a kitchen table. I look at him. He doesn't look at me. The woman he's with laughs. Her hair is up in a bun. She's beautiful. A couple comes to the kitchen table to greet me. I hadn't noticed they were there before. I continue to look over at him but he never looks my way. He pretends not to know me.

He doesn't have to pretend, though, does he? Truth is, he doesn't know me.

Sex & Love Are Not The Same

It's so interesting to me...how a person can enter your life and want things from you he hasn't earned yet.  It's set up as a transaction right from the beginning. They come with their preconceived notions of how people are...how women are...and think they can turn the tide in their favour knowing full well they'd have to bend or break the rules to get others to comply.

They turn on the charm, the charisma, the sweet talk...but they have nothing to show for any of it. And, I'm supposed to smile and think I've found a goldmine? Because they're honouring me with their presence?! I ought to feel lucky? Flattered? That they're giving me attention? Really? Is that it? Man is a coward! And a thief! He's got psychological issues that run so deep, no one can save him. The moment a woman shows her intelligence, he walks the other way because he can't stand being challenged. I laugh because that's exactly what should happen when a man behaves so egotistically. Who I am helps to weed out what I don't want in my life.

The problem occurs when a woman thinks she can change a man, fix a man...when she thinks she can get him to commit to her. Bad idea! The only person left hurting is the one trying to change what IS. Why chase after a man who doesn't *really* want you? What good is he if he doesn't ask about you, if he isn't concerned with who and what you are? If he doesn't keep his word? If he acts like a fool or an immature child?! What good is he to you? When you chase, and he only ever gives you crumbs, you subconsciously tell yourself you're unworthy.  You tell yourself that if he admires and is into you, then that validates your worth. But, that's not right. Let him go. He's nothing but an energy sucker. If you have to wonder how he feels about you, he's not feeling much of anything. He's not good for you. He only wants to bed you. He only wants a warm body by his side. He only wants, wants, wants...and he'll take if you're giving. So, stop giving...not unless you want to feel depleted.

Yeah, he said I was complicated, difficult, that I was hard work. Damn right I am. If I was too simple, or rather, too easy, he would have had his way with me already. I've told you a few times before. Man is cheap.  He wants but he doesn't want to pay the price. And, if you give away freely, he won't value any of it! If I don't have my honour, how will I be honoured? Once he's had his way with you, he'll throw you away like a piece of trash. Why? Because he set it up right from the get go that you didn't have a right to expect anything from him. If you want a one night stand, go for it...but I don't. Hey, if you want to continue giving each other pleasure from time to time, go for it, too! But, don't think for one second those moments will ever translate into anything more substantial.  I'm not that woman.

I decided long ago that I will not allow myself to be defiled. I don't care what he looks like, what he says, what he owns...none of it makes any difference to me. If he can't look me straight in the eye when I ask him a question, if he runs away like a scared little boy when I ask for clarification, I have no use for him. His good looks are waning, ladies...that's why he gravitates towards women who can take care of themselves...so that he doesn't have to wine and dine them.  And, it's not that you need wining and dining, it's that you're worth so much more than the silly games he plays. They're lonely men who have no interest in you, only what you can offer them.

The question becomes, What do they have to offer you? And, is what they're offering worth the price you'll have to pay for getting to know them? You'll never know this kind of man. He won't let you in. He doesn't want to be tied down. He doesn't want the attachment. He doesn't want you. You're just another face among other faces.  You're just another notch on his belt. A good woman will pay the higher price...to her detriment. An average man will walk away and never look back, once his ego is satiated...And off he goes in search of his next comfort. That's the difference. I don't know about you. But, it looks like a no brainer to me.  What you want and what you deserve, is out there. It is. I promise you. You'll know you've found a gem when you're both on the same page and you don't have to wonder how he feels. You'll just know it. There won't be any doubts. Remember these lyrics - Stevie Nicks sang them well...Lovers only love you when they're playing...

Romeo & The Macho Man

Romeo will come chase you. He'll reveal his intentions right from the beginning because his heart rules. He's in love with love. He's in love with romance. He's in love with you. He recognizes innocence. This appeals to him. He wants to protect. He wants to adore. He wants to cherish. Yes, he may live in the clouds. And, so what? His feet are also firmly planted in the ground. He brings the dream down and manifests it into the world. He'll die for love. You won't even blame him for it because when he loved, he loved well. He loved with passion and compassion. He loved with his being. He was sincere. He was devoted. He was a go getter. No time to waste. He opens his heart knowing full well he may be wounded. He's no wimp. 

Not so with a macho man. You'll have to do the chasing because woman is lesser than. His ego is so huge, he can't see beyond himself. Nothing sexy about that. He may move just right. He may look like a protector, but, he isn't one. He's only out for himself. He can't handle a modern woman. He doesn't understand why his pick up lines don't work. He doesn't understand how some women want nothing he has to offer. The truth is, he's got nothing.  Maybe, he's got money. So what, when you have your own? Maybe, he's got charm...but, that doesn't last. Sooner or later, the cracks start to show. And you see, he's nothing but a lonely man. He desires intimacy but on his terms...never yours.  You'll have to go crawling for some crumbs and after he's given you some morsels, he'll call you a slut...for bending down.  A real woman never chases a man. A real man always keeps his word. Too many macho men around who don't keep their word. They're pigs and a real woman must never throw her pearls before swine. She will lose in 10 minutes what it took her to gain in years...Unlike a man, when a woman falls and loses her dignity, she really has nothing left. Because this IS a man's world...and it's all animal fare through this lens.

It's not enough that you want him. It won't be enough that he finds you attractive. A macho man can't commit. He'll tell you he's been hurt by the past. Who hasn't? They're just little boys looking for their mother. They set the bar so high, they can never meet the ideal woman because she doesn't exist. Or does she? Because you see, he can't have it both ways but he wants it both ways. He wants the virgin and the whore. A macho man will confuse you. He may say all the right things in the beginning to lead you to believe you two have something going on but in reality, there's nothing of substance. You have to see it for what it is. A game. And, he wants all the control. So let him have it...all by himself. Let him rule his empty castle.

You need someone to care and if you have to beg for care and tenderness...ooh la la, you're heading down the wrong path, my friend. His main concern is that you want him. If you want him, if you show that you want him, then he knows he's still attractive to the opposite sex. It gets to his head. He tells himself, "Wow, I still have it." It's not about you, sweetheart. It's only ever about him. He's no family man. He's no knight in shining armor.  He's just a man...nothing more and nothing less...than a man. He loves women but not the way a woman wants or ought to be loved. 

If he cares for you, he'll call. If he wants more than just a fling, he'll call - but, that's only IF you haven't given yourself away to make him believe you're some easy fluff or floozy.  But, still, he wants you to go after him. It makes him feel good about himself. What an ego! There's no love in his world. That may or may not come at a later time. What does that even mean? He wants a warm body to lie next to. He wants to be served like he's some King but he hasn't earned his place. He thinks by virtue of the fact that he's a man, he's entitled to 'good service'.  He wants to be worshipped but only a King can be bestowed with such an honor because he doesn't ask for it!! Nor does he make any demands, and certainly not of a Queen!

By The Light Of The Moon

He looks so good...by the light of the moon.  He smells so good...by the light of the moon.  The waves sound intoxicating...by the light of the moon.

I like how I feel...by the light of the moon.  I like how he makes me feel...by the light of the moon.  He touches me just right...by the light of the moon.  I take my fingers and caress his arm.  I marvel at his tattoo...by the light of the moon.  His eyes sparkle and glitter and my breath longs and deepens...by the light of the moon.

I want him to take my clothes off...by the light of the moon.  He asks me for permission.  I take his hand to my blouse.  He knows what to do.  All is right...by the light of the moon.

He whispers in my ear.  He talks with his hands.

What will the sun reveal in the morning? I fear that what the sun reveals will not reflect the essence of what took place...by the light of the moon.  I can't believe a word he says...by the light of the moon.  It's a risk.  It's a risk...a risk to bring the shades down low only to bring them back up...in the light of day.

What if the truth is shady? What if the truth is an illusion? What if I get swept away by nothing but shadows and romance? What if I was only ever floating in the air? What if I hit the ground hard when I turn the lights on?

Ah...what if when I roll over, he isn't there by my side? What trickery! How unfair. How unjust. Or, is it?

I made the choice to stand with him...by the light of the moon.  I wanted to feel all those things I felt...by the light of the moon.  I desired to touch his arm and marvel at his tattoo...by the light of the moon.  I took pleasure, as he did, under the light of the moon.  So what if he isn't there in the morning? I'm still in tact.

But...what if when I roll over, he IS there by my side? What if, when the sun comes to greet me, I see the truth exactly as it is? And, what if this truth is good and honorable? But, I'll never know, now will I...if I don't take the risk...and stand with him...by the light of the moon...

The Nine of Pentacles

I am alone in this space and it suits me just fine.  I have everything I need, although not necessarily everything that I want.  And, that's okay...I place my books on the living room table and head for the divan.

Yes, it can get lonely.  The loneliness is a reminder of a longing that no one can satiate.  I long for its own sake. It builds character, refinement and beauty.

I remove my clothes and set them to the side.  I stretch my arms out and close my eyes.  I am alive.  I am protected.  The fabric of the sofa feels soft against my skin.  I take a deep breath and then sigh.  I can hear the sound of chirping birds through the open window.  I can smell the scent of roses from the garden and a hint of sandalwood from yesterday's incense burning.

I remember what he said to me when we first met, "Love is too expensive. I'll never give that way, again.  I can't.  I won't."  I tell him I don't need his money. I can take care of myself. I do take care of myself.  He thinks I'm pretty...kind...generous...intelligent...but, that his heart is off limits.  Am I not worthy of love?  Or, is it he who feels unworthy? I know what he wants but he dare not pay for what he wants because he's cheap and I'm not.  I don't need him or anyone...not like that.  I deserve better.  I would rather be alone and content in my own being than in company and be miserable.

Rainclouds

I sit on the beach...alone...which suits me just fine.  The waves keep me company.  These waves are my companions.  The wind is right here, too.  It's a cloudy day...well, not really, but here, right here, in this space, yes, it's cloudy...and I like it that way.  I want to delve into this scene.  What's there to delve into when the sun shines bright and illuminates everything?  No, the greys are conducive to writing, conducive to romance.  The sun is for children.

It's time I take off my clothes, again.  I hear that voice, "Why must you always take off your clothes?" I reply, "Fuck you! I'll take off my clothes if I wish to.  You're not welcome here...unless you want to watch."  The voice continues, "I'm not your enemy.  I simply help you see."  "Well, then listen to me...I take off my clothes as a symbol of freedom, of vulnerability, of spirituality.  This is my sacred space and I will do what I please."

I feel the passing of time.  I know they say time doesn't really exist but it has to.  It has to.  Everywhere I look, I see the face of time, how it's left an imprint on everything and everyone.  I see my lines, my curves, my scars...lines, curves and scars that were not there so many years ago.  In the moment, we cannot see nor receive these subtle and sometimes, drastic changes...but, always in retrospect, always when looking "back", we can "feel" the impact that these changes have made.

And then you see it, you see what you hadn't anticipated...that you have changed, too.  You are not your former self.  It looks like a shell of a person or a part of yourself, you've shed, something you've discarded...not, intentionally, though.  It was never intentional.  It just kind of happened...over time.  I don't recognize her.  I realize how wise it would have been for me to be gentle with her, not to be so harsh, so hard.  Maybe, that could have done wonders for me in this now.  But, I can't go back.  I try not to be so harsh as I look back, try not to judge her and her silly ways, her naive ways.  I try to be kind but there are moments...moments when I want to yell at her for having been so stupid.

But, how fair is that? It isn't.  Because I was who I was when I was...and I have to accept that, embrace it all.  It served a purpose.  I am here in my new skin and I am aware of a process I wasn't aware of then, of which I am grateful.  It can be sad, though...feeling a disconnect with the outer world, with the "other".  That's why I sit here, by the beach, with my body bare.  I take in the magic of this landscape, like food.  These are impressions, impressions I receive through my imagination.  If I don't make the effort, I starve.  I dry up...shrivel up.  No one is a true giver, not the way Nature offers herself to us, everyday in so many different ways.

Death will come.  Death will come, as sure as the sun will rise - in my time.  What will I leave behind?  I hope it's more than this body, this body that will rot away and return to the earth.  It saddens me that all things created by man MUST come to an end.  I need to lighten up some of this heaviness, I suppose.  Why do I need to sugarcoat the truth? Why not accept it for what it is, so that it doesn't bring me so much sadness?  Then again, what's wrong with some melancholy? It produces some of the greatest poets...poets who can see beyond the clouds, poets who can make use of these clouds, poets who can make you want to love these clouds...clouds that are just passing through...just passing through. 

Ah, finally...the rain.  I get up and take a few steps towards the water.  I'm alive.  I close my eyes and tilt my head back.  The water of the earth and the water of the skies come together to create the perfect music.  Let it rain a little bit longer.  Let me feel myself and my power.  Let this moment purify me.

I turn around and see my lonely sword upon the sands...how insignificant it now seems...No, wait a minute.  It isn't insignificant at all.  I notice how the blade shines in the distance and I remember...I've only just laid down my arms, temporarily.  I will retrieve it soon and it will want to be retrieved for the sword and I, are one.  I smile as I walk out of the water, and under the rain, towards my sword.  Here, as I said, I have no use for clothes...

A Real Lady

Sometimes, love hurts.  "For you, I'd bleed myself dry."  Yes, that sounds right.  Love is like a rose and a rose has got its thorns.  You can't have a sweet smelling rose without prickly thorns.  It's impossible.  You're supposed to want to give it your all.  You don't even question because giving it your all comes naturally.  You love for its own sake.  It makes you happy to love.  It lifts you up to love.  It feeds your soul to love.  To love is its own reward.  You ask for nothing in return.  You love with all your heart and this love heals you from the inside out.  It isn't cheap.  It isn't conditional.  It's sacred.  It's beauty.  It transcends.  And, you have to pay the price...not with money because money is not worth a thing, here...but, with your soul, with your heart, because that's what's required.

And then some asshole comes along and hurts you.  He makes you question.  He makes you want to build a nice, secure, solid wall around your heart.  He toughens you up. He makes you see a truth. He makes you see what's out there.  He makes you doubt.  He makes you feel worthless.  He makes you feel ugly, unattractive, small and insignificant.  But, he's just a man.  He's just a thief and he has his own part to play, too.  You tell yourself you'll never cross that line again.  You tell yourself it's not worth it.  You tell yourself you won't be able to handle something like that again.  But, that's a lie.  And, he's just a man.  Love requires a certain kind of vulnerability.  If you don't take the risk, you'll never taste that sweetness again.  That's the truth.  And remember, he was only ever a man.

Don't let anyone ever tell you that what you seek doesn't exist.  We create our own reality.  What you seek is out there, waiting for you.  Make no mistake.  So what if it doesn't last?  Nothing is meant to last forever, anyway.  Why wouldn't you take the risk again?  So what if it tears at your insides?  Anything that can do that also has the potential of bringing you the greatest joy you've ever known. But, people want to play it safe.  No one wants to pay the price because people are cheap.  People are afraid.  People are broken.  You'll never be satiated, your thirst will never be quenched, by playing it safe. 

Do not compromise for a night of warmth.  Do not compromise for a night of passion.  Do not compromise for a night of touch.  You'll regret it in the morning.  And, he'll be long gone.  In your mind, you actually think that a night with you can change a man.  But, you'd be wrong...so wrong.  He only wants what he wants and what he wants is not aligned with what you need.  Do you think when he speaks the truth, that this "truth" is somehow better because he points out to you, as a matter of fact, that he isn't interested in the "real"? He doesn't believe in the real.  Do you think that this gives you permission to "lower" yourself in order to accommodate his desires? In order to feed an illusion that you matter to him?

Those lonely nights will come when you wonder whether they'll ever end, whether something of substance can take their place...at least for a little while.  I tell you...it's never too late.  Breathe magic into your own life.  Create things of beauty.  Work and work hard.  God helps those who help themselves.  You're never truly alone.  I'm not naive.  I'm not stupid.  I'm not a piece of trash.  I can take care of myself.  Make sure that you can, too.  And when he comes, when the one you've been "waiting for", arrives, which he will, don't guard yourself too fiercely because of the past.  He's out there, and he'll be ready, just like you and your heart will open up.  This time you'll be more cautious which is good.  Let him fight for you.  Don't show desperation.  He needs you more than you need him!  You owe this to yourself.  You deserve the best.  You deserve to be respected for your mind and your heart.  You deserve to be his only one.  Don't settle for less.  If he wants easy, he can get "easy" anywhere and at anytime but it can't be with you...because you're a lady with essence, with spirit, with grace.  Don't let anyone take that away from you!  If you don't respect yourself, who will?