Here To Feel

I thought that was it. When you walked away after we hugged. I knew what would come after. I knew a few weeks ago. Despite wanting the day to come, I also knew what that meant...another chapter closing.

I know life's made up of a series of endings. The ultimate end between partners when the curtain drops. Endings in between jobs when we're making plans. Endings between people in casual relationships. That three week vacation. Your wedding day. The birth of a child. And on and on it goes, ironically.

I was so sad and yet, so grateful. This bittersweet taste of longing, I know this too shall pass.

A thought popped into my head after you said the company was paying for lunch...I suddenly had a sinking feeling. I heard, "Oh, this is all it is. What's so special about this? Just something he's going to write off." Literally and metaphorically.

And that was that, as we gathered our things and made our way to the sidewalk on a glorious November day, heading back to the building, my home.

You're such a talker, the way you move without a care in the world. I was mostly quiet, walking by myself, aware you seemed not to want to walk next to me. I get it. I get it. I really do.

You give yourself away at times, like me. You'll mention her. I'll mention him. But, there are pockets, spaces, when mentioning them feels like a secret you want to keep to yourself out of fear you'll hurt the other person's feelings. Why do we do this? Are we being cruel? Protective? Who are we protecting? Them? You? Me? Who?

I know why I do it. It must be why you do it, too. 

Two days later, after two nights of a kind of suffering I can't really describe, I see a message in my inbox. I don't recall having placed an order for anything. 

Had you always had this gift for me? 

I should have called. But, I'm too shy, too self-conscious, too aware, too afraid of what it might feel like before the hang up. You know, that small space between moments when it's time to say good-bye. What if you closed the gap too quickly? What if your tone was one of indifference? That would have killed me.

Better a text then...it's easy, more dreamy, less direct, not so invasive, more gentle. We're both still in our lanes. No place for demands.

I hope you keep your word again though I dare not hold my breath. I know how long it took to keep your word this time - at least, 6 months!

Thank you. For helping me see. For helping me feel. That's why I'm here...to feel. 

His Shoes

It's just a turnover of younger and younger people. Why do I come here? They're stupid and naive. Some can articulate and discuss but their ideas aren't fully formed. So the moment they try to argue, you can see the holes...only because you remember yourself in those moments many years ago.

It's just the nature of things. To think you know everything and then to wake up one morning and know you actually don't know much of anything at all! Knowing and understanding are not the same thing. 

You can know something and not understand how you know it. And then you can understand something and know it to be true. Understanding is key and it requires engagement from ourselves. I think it involves different factors, which includes being in another person's shoes. 

Oh the things you can see when you imagine yourself as someone else. You can hear all the things they don't say. You can see where they fall short, how they beat themselves up, how dark and lonely they can be.

Sometimes, the ego shows up to suggest that if they only do a, b, or c, they'd be better off. The implication is that YOU or I would behave differently because we're smarter or know better. That isn't the definition of compassion though, is it?

Judgment, between you and I, should not take up any space. But, it does. It takes up too much space. It covers nations with clouds of angry fuel. Even the sun fails to penetrate through all of that.

Gosh, if we could only take up space with what is good, can you imagine the ripple effect? 

Traitors

I know I shouldn't wish for such things and my wavering over the years about whether to stay or go, has proven I'm more lost now than ever.

I don't think I've ever despised someone as much as I despise him. The part that really sucks is that I've never liked him. I thought he was a weasel and immature right from the start. But, I stayed with him because I felt he was the lesser of two evils. Overall, I know I made the right decision. Yet, I've paid in other ways with my sense of self-worth taking a dive, forced to battle someone else's issues and controlling, bordering on obsessive, behaviour. 

I know this moment can't be any other way than what it is now. I know it's just more fuel for me to get this show on the road! 

I remember hearing about some old man who got a rolex watch for time well served and thinking to myself, "He got a rolex watch after doing time in prison!" And in my gut of guts, I saw the horror of that reality - how easy it is to be thrown away in an upside down world when no one has anymore use for you. That what most people are striving for is retirement, speaks to the truth of what I'm trying to articulate here. To be retired is to be dead. It's not an accident that these two words are inextricably linked. 

Oh G*d, don't let this be me! I beg this of Thee! Every coach from life coaches to any role under the sun, one can play for money, is selling you what you have to be in order to be successful. The framework is founded on money. It isn't connected to anything higher than oneself. The goal is money. Success equals lots and lots of money. It sickens me. That's why the corporate world and those who make it their god - on so many levels - has joined the rat race. How can people not see this? Because money is their god.

Well, it isn't mine. 

I'm tired of working to build and materialize someone else's vision while I'm made to feel guilty for receiving a 'stable' income or while he gets paid the big bucks no matter whether he deems it a 'good' month versus a 'bad' one. I'm not entertaining his need for greed. That's his problem!

But you know what really sucks about working for someone for as long as I have? Discovering they don't have your back. Discovering you're really not part of a team at all despite their words to the contrary. Nothing but empty words...words that never lead to any real action. I'll never accept how he threw me under the bus, for undermining me in 'private' to a client - never. Clearly, I was meant to see this email he had tried to conceal from me. 

I'll have my say. He'll never use our weekly meetings to vent about his problems ever again. I'll make sure of it. I'm not his sounding board. I'm not his opportunity to be used as a scapegoat for his failings. 

What an insecure fool to give himself away so carelessly. 

Aloneness And Loneliness

What a breath of fresh air to carve out time for one's self, to spend alone, in nature or at a cafe, sitting by other people or not. The peace and tranquility that comes from allowing yourself to be bathed in that kind of feeling, and while music is playing ? Oh my, the whole world is right here in the palm of my hand.

That must be the difference between loneliness and aloneness. Aloneness can be a choice you make or something forced upon you, which might end up feeling like loneliness. I choose these moments. It's an inherent part of who I am. It's in my essence. Personality, on the other hand, makes it so that you think it's a lonely place to be. But, ego will always justify its own existence. It can't tolerate to be alone with itself. It concocts all manners of insecurity and self-deprecation. It doesn't want you to feel your own power without it. That's how FOMO sets in. It's a lie though. It's the big deceiver. 

In my aloneness, the entire universe fits within my mind's eye. We're one. There is no separation, no duality, no wanting. It's perfect. Yes, it's perfect. Here, I'm connected to everyone. The function of loneliness is to create despair. It's a downward spiral because its magnetic pull is strong. You end up believing what your mind is telling you - that you need this or that thing. That you're dumb if you don't do what others say. That you're a failure for not being what others want you to be. That you need to do this or that to be someone, to be loved, to matter.

Your ego tells lies. That can be its ultimate purpose sometimes. It doesn't want to be annihilated. Truth is, our ego can serve us only if we're aware of the dynamics at play. Otherwise, you're nothing but a slave to it. And we think we're free? No no. 

I'm the high priestess who whispers spells in the air that are carried by the wind to a place outside of what is seen. There, is right here. How can anyone feel lonely once you experience this profound beauty and love in the heart? Our heart is a gateway to the eternal. It's the only way out of the noise, distraction, illusion and deception. 

The only way...

Eternal Value

I need to surround myself with the right people. Yes, there are 'right' people for you and I. They do not include people who are only concerned and identified with how much money they earn per year. I don't know what it is, though I suppose it must be because I'm getting older and dare I say, wiser? We all know - or rather, some of us intimately experience - how happiness and wisdom don't go together. Sorrow and wisdom are companions. They always have been. 

I think of Gurdjieff and the 'terror of the situation' or the idea of 'sitting between two stools'. I see now. I see. It isn't pretty. When you've spent your whole life being told that life is one way when you can feel it in your being that it's actually something else entirely. Whoa! What a mind fu*k it is. Now I know what Jesus meant when he said to "leave your mother and father and follow me." 

Just because you're raised Catholic, just because you call yourself one doesn't make you a follower of the man. It makes you a follower of the Church. Jesus lived among the poor. Jesus lived in dirt. Those people who adorn their dwellings with gold or sell their goods in 'temples' are all fools. Fools right down to the core. There is no Jesus there. There can't be. It's antithetical.

What will be left of me when my body is discarded? Certainly, all the goods I've ever acquired on this earth will mean absolutely nothing. Do people get that? Do people really think we were put here to 'make money'? If my body returns to dust and my cup was filled with nothing but material things, what of me will be left to 'enter the next world'? Some of us call it heaven. Some of us don't believe in either a heaven or hell. But you see, it matters. It matters here what you think. It matters how those thoughts function in an upside down world. You take with you - whatever this 'you' is - all that was built in the invisible world. If you built nothing, then there's no substance from which to work. You'll be incinerated in the flame instead of being purified by it.

I see now how mediums connect with the dead. They connect with them alright, but they're 'dead'. It's dead matter. It's just the shell or fragments left behind of what once was alive. But, it's not them. They're reading the energy left behind, like a hologram in the air. The person who was is no longer here but beyond space and time - outside of time. Can you fathom that? What that means to be and exist outside of time?

We're too dense. We've forgotten ourselves. We let ourselves be distracted by illusion. We favour all that's material over the materialization of soul, which should be the aim, the only aim, the material world in service to this aim. We've made the material the aim and this is dangerous because we cannot, under such circumstances, attain freedom. 

It makes for a lonely path. Your ego will concoct every which way to get you off this path and back to the illusion that is all around. It will tell you you're being irrational. It will tell you how you need to belong, how no one will understand you, how you're stupid and childish.

You will have to rise above that which will ultimately die. The ego doesn't want to die. But, it has to. Before your body perishes. Only then will we have a chance to build something of value. Of eternal value...

Dust

People who have no family envy those who have large ones. And those with large ones, like me, prefer peace and quiet...and more one on one interactions or very small and intimate gatherings.

I scratch my head when people get a taste of their own medicine and can't tolerate it. Oh, I understand the taste is bad. And that would be the point. It's always the same old story. They have no problem dishing it out - being thoughtless, selfish and uncaring. But then you decide to protect yourself, to put yourself first like they manage to do everytime, and you're the bad guy for not allowing them to walk all over you?! No thank you.

Finally, I'm behaving and reacting the way I ought to. I'm letting people be. Let them. Be. That's the beauty about being a lone wolf. You understand who you want to spend your precious time with. You understand who wants to spend their precious time with you, too. And, I'm learning and seeing that it isn't a whole lot of people. Vice Versa.

I want to talk about existence, the moon and the stars. I want to talk about meaningful things - how a painting or song can move the soul. I want to discuss the nature of the world, who came before us, how this story ends for all of us. I want this soul that is me, to flourish, my intuition, to become sharp. I want the core of me to be strong, to know that 'there' IS the only home there is, while I'm here on earth.

I don't care about your house or pool or how you can retire tomorrow. I don't want to hear about your savings or how so and so, didn't figure it out, how he's a schlub for being a drinker or for having fu*ked up children, as a result. I don't want to hear from anyone who only opens their mouths when they have something negative to say about somebody else. I don't care for their useless judgment. I don't care for their  pettiness or bloody shallowness that aims to keep us all tied to this earth, as though this is all there is. 

Oh, let me be clear. That would be all there is for folks like these. That will not be me. I refuse. The eternal resides within, not out there. May my kindred brothers and sisters find each other in this dark world. May we do from what we see. May we do from what we hear. May we not become dust. 

The Lighthouse

I'm here, again. Winter is coming. I lay my hands over my satin robe, open the large wooden shutters and take a peak outside. I see the tops of trees as far as my eye can see. The lot below surrounding my home is large. I feel it's too big. I think I'd feel more secure in a smaller space. Though there are more places to hide, the massiveness of this current dwelling attracts too much attention.

I feel a gust of wind...then wonder who else is around. I remember. I remember. I'm here, alone...again. Why I insist on a large place like this, is intriguing to me. So many rooms, beds, fireplaces, rugs, windows, stones...walls. I sense magic everywhere. I feel encouraged, inspired, motivated. Motivated to do what, though? I'm not quite sure.

I stare above the horizon. I wait for dark. I wait for rain. I wait for strong winds. I wait for storm. I imagine a lighthouse in my mind's eye. I'm always longing for something other than what is...right here in front of me. I can't help it. Here, I can use whatever colours I please, whatever medium, in whatever style. Who's going to tell me it can't be done?

Magic is here. I sigh and close the shutters. I head for the door and walk down the corridor...a long hall way where flames burn on either side. Soon, I feel a sense of warmth. Right now, in this moment, I only feel cold. But soon, really soon, the light and dark will coexist as though they had always been friends. Then, my heart will soar.