Friday, September 2, 2016


He asks me what I want. I say, "I don't know." But, I'm lying. I think I'm figuring it out and it's not something I would have imagined ever wanting. So I take a step back. I look at it from every angle possible. I talk myself out of it...because I'm a lady.

It's not my fault I am the way that I am. I blame the Angel for my essence. I blame the Angel for my personality. Well, it's not all bad. It's not all terrible. Only inconvenient. Yes, sometimes, it's so darn inconvenient, unless I look at it from another angle, and then I see, it's all just right. I'm just right.

How can I go against my nature? I don't know how. It's comfortable over here. I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to take the risk. I'm too...naive?? I'm not sure. Apparently, I'm too heavy. I bring him down. I have nothing to say. Hmmm. I have plenty to say, just nothing he wants to hear. It's okay...I guess I'll have to take off my clothes...alone.

I remove the clip from my hair. I look up at the cloudy skies and smile. I walk towards the shore, the shore that is my life. I marvel at how the waves move the way they do or the way the wind blows and how the trees talk to one another. I can feel the grains of sand between my toes. I know it's futile to hang on. But, I don't want this moment to end. I want to prolong it, stretch it, expand it. I pray - please, just a little longer.

I hear a whisper, "Your wish is my command."

I ponder. If I can't talk to him about my personal life, what's the point? What's the message? First off, there's a complete resistance to 'natural' progression or to the natural flow of interaction between people. There's a hindrance to growth. In a real sense, to building and creating. There's resistance to emotional intimacy. Am I missing something? Is that really what he wants? I don't see where the value is, where the exchange or reciprocity is. Or is that the point? There is no real value. Why would I want that? To ease my loneliness? To have a good time for time's sake? To appreciate the beauty of no attachments or expectations? To be satisfied with what is? Because it's here today and most likely, gone tomorrow? So I should just take what I can get and leave my troubles behind...for a little while?

But, what am I then? What would I be? Who would I be? A commodity? For as long as he has a use for me? For as long as he's satisfied with getting whatever he gets from me and I from him? And what would these 'things' be? Companionship? Money? Sex? Love wouldn't factor in. The set up is designed to keep love at bay. I don't see why I would ever agree to such an arrangement. While I enjoy his company, spreading my legs for him while other women are spreading their legs for him, under the guise of 'friend', doesn't turn me on or make me feel special. And, I want to feel special. So my legs are staying closed. If he wants to enter my depths, he's got to do better than that. 

We can't change people. He is who he is. I am who I am. He can't sell me what I'm not willing to buy. I refuse to be a faceless being. I keep coming back to this. I can't help it. I won't stoop for...pleasure. I'll have some chocolate instead! The idea of a man using my body, and then trying to convince me that I'm getting something of value out of it, too, is repulsive to me. 

I was looking at myself this morning in the mirror. I admired my breasts, my stomach and pelvis. I felt tenderness towards my arms and legs. I remembered the line - how we do anything is how we do everything. Sure, I can live in fantasy. I imagine what it could be like with him. I imagine him being a certain way. But can I be sure he is who and what I imagine? He can't be. I've seen what he is. How attentive could he ever really be with me? What happens out here is a reflection of what happens behind closed doors. I'd be left heart broken and the heart was never supposed to play a part. He's even said that. So, fuck off! It's all bull shit. None of it matters. How utterly shallow! Why would I want that? That kind of nothingness? To be reminded of everything I absolutely despise about mankind? No thank you. 

I don't understand why I would have sex without caring and tender feelings in the mix. It's so easy for him. He can stick his wand in anything. I can't let just anyone cross that threshold with me. It's too sacred to me. I'm the woman he thinks doesn't exist anymore. But he doesn't want the real. He can't handle the real. He wants to remain in the shallow end of the pool. I've been swimming and residing in the ocean for a good long time. He's got to come where I am. I have no interest in going backwards.

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