Musing Diaries

Enough time has passed for me to see tge truth as things are. If only I hadn't brushed off that initial inkling that said, "You're like the rest." Because, well, I'm not okay with average. I wouldn't be okay with less freedom. I wouldn't be okay to be in the same environment with someone who sees me as lesser than. 

I woke up at 4am with a feeling of disgust when my heart caught up to my brain. Goodness me, what was I thinking? I've taken these moments for granted. I thought, doesn't every modern woman live like this?

I let go of silly, controlling men who think every woman needs a father. I thank my ancestors for paving the way for me to be able to experience this joyful moment right here, right now.

I understand why it wasn't possible to marry an Italian man. The words, "I want to be taken care of," have never rested upon my lips, not even for a second. I grew up taking care of myself, figuring things out for myself, in the hopes that I was evolving in ways that truly matter.

A wealthy man, who's insecure, doesn't know how to woo a woman who's got her own money, especially if he's of the same cultural background and taught his whole life that the only way to win her is to 'provide'. 

What is he going to provide? Emotionally, he's stunted and dwarfed. Intellectually? Oh my, he's the basest of the base, the lowest of the low. An average man is suited for an average woman. 

He'll tell her what to do and how to think. He'll buy her things and she'll provide him with children. And these people actually believe this is what it means to live the 'good life'. 

To me, that's death. That's the pit of all that's wrong in this world. I refuse to live acvording to man's structures. He's fallible. He's duplicitous. He's a sinner. He knows not who he is and shall never become who he was truly meant to be. Not in this lifetime.

Up until Sept., especially in July, I felt like the girl in the 6 of Cups card. I knew in my bones that he was like the boy in the 6 of Cups card, too. Do you understand? If you understand anything about that card, you'll know what I mean when I say that an affection like that between two people is precious and rare. And I was under the assumption or impression, that there was a trust, a sweet trust between us.

After September, I caught glimpses of that trust but something had been broken. It's as if he himself, cut the cord that was connecting us. It wasn't a strong or sturdy cord, by any means, but it felt like a sure thing, something taking root, moving towards something good and real.

It was obviously all in my imagination...and god knows, I can create a separate world with mine! 

Now, I'm left feeling stale, like the entire time I knew him is analagous to a feather in the wind blowing whichever way going nowhere. 

He tried to do his part towards the end. I know he thought he was doing that much. I felt a twinge of that nostalgia again. It occurred to me he must care. But, as soon as I felt it, it left me as fast as it came.

It's disappointing. Not because nothing came out of our connection...but because the connection was never what I thought it was! 

I thought he cared. I swear that kind of knowing was enough. Until it wasn't because he doesn't. Oh man, if he did...if he really cared, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did between Sept. and Dec. He would have swallowed whatever fucking pride. But, he didn't. He didn't. 

He turned out to be selfish and emotionally, immature. I really shouldn't be surprised. I knew what he was right from the start.