Painful Truths

It just occurred to me as I was trying to interpret a reading...The dream is painful. Remember those days when you were young? How the longing was painful but because you were young, and now being able to look back, you can see it was all just part of growing up? Being young and dreamy was the norm. It felt like you had more time ahead of you, that it was actually on your side. You just didn't recognize the wisdom and foolishness of that knowing.

Stallone said it well...how it's addition up until 40 years of age...and then it's substraction right after. 

Those days dreaming were the best. It was time well spent. I regret none of it. It produced words on a page. I saw how powerful the pen could be. Dream fuelled responses from me in a way reality couldn't then. 

Dream in this now though...is a kind of pain I don't want to entertain. But, here I am...entertaining it. How can I give this pain the right acknowledgment without sinking? Then I realize, it requires I sink to do it justice. And that's what I resent. 

Okay, so let me sink. I'm way down, at the bottom of the sea. There's nothing down here. It's just silence. You can't hear the silence until you sort out the noise. There's longing in this place, a longing that will never be attained. This hole will never be filled. 

You see the catch 22 of having what you think you want under the moon's influence. It's dark. It's beautiful. It lives and breathes in shadow. And if it sees the light of day, the dream is at its mercy. 

For every step forward, you need to take two steps back. The possibility is rendered impossible, completely immobile, totally paralyzed. 

Dreaming lacks the sweetness of sugar. Salt tips the scales. Because you're older now. The stakes are too high. The consequences are so much greater. One wrong move and you can lose it all.

I don't know why life plays this way. What's the point? This is my lot. I'll never steer this ship away from this current trajectory. Some things are really too late to contemplate over. Decisions have been made. The cards were dealt. This is it. This is everything. This is all there'll ever be. 

Just give me a fresh impression. Give me something new. Help me see with new eyes. I should have kept my mouth shut, guarded my words because I got exactly what I asked for.

I'm convinced that beauty and sadness are two sides of the same coin. 

I'm finding it hard navigating these shores. Yet, it's precisely this depth that keeps me going back for more. 

I have no power over life's paradoxes.