The Lone Wolf

I can't believe how it's come to this. I didn't see it coming. I feel more of myself shedding, layers sloughing, pieces falling away in chunks. I swear I can hear the pieces when they hit the ground. It can feel abrasive, shocking. They wake me up to this kind of horror I don't know how to unsee. You think me dramatic? I see things. 

The way you carry yourself. The way we all carry ourselves. It's all just fading away into nothing. Nothing anyone can do about it. What are you doing? Are you helping polish my ruby? Is that what this is for? You want me pure and whole? I'm not stupid, you know. I understand that's what it takes to get there...to be there.

Oh baby, I'm a lone wolf who feels things. Feels things deep in my bones. These bones that are getting weaker and yet, stronger...because I'm a lone wolf. And to think that there was something wrong with me only to discover that there isn't, that all I have to do is accept this is who I am...what a relief, what a gift from the angels, what peace to be bestowed upon me when I read words on a page that whispered to me that I'm not alone, that I'm finally understood. 

I like to be alone. But not only that...I need to be alone to recharge. Recharging comes from the act of reflection. I work things out quietly, without the help of anyone. 

I don't enjoy large crowds or parties, though I'm not one hundred percent an introvert. I value and cherish one on one connections. If we have a connection, it's because we wholeheartedly accept one another. If we don't, it's not because you're not liked. It's because we don't jibe. I won't sacrifice my mental and emotional health to spend time with people because we have the same blood coursing through our veins. My friends are my family. My family is not necessarily my friend.

When I hurt, it takes a long while to recover. Especially, when it's completely unexpected, when someone I thought was genuine turns out to be just like the rest. Even if hurting me was unintentional, even if the other person was oblivious to their own lack of attention,  I become acutely aware in an instant, that I had valued someone who didn't value me in the same way. 

If that person apologizes, I feel a hardening suddenly soften because I see that they care. But if there's no apology, even if to that person, they don't see they've done anything wrong, it just reinforces to me that while my perception may be incorrect about them, they can't be the company I keep because the right person for me would know to apologize.

Since I have a good read on people for the most part, I see when a truth is staring at me in the face because it's one I'd rather not see. I'd rather not see it and that's how I know it rings true. I can't make any excuses for them. I can't pretend I don't feel what I feel. Rather, my feelings show me what cannot be denied.

So, as a lone wolf, aloneness can become loneliness until I remember to accept who I am and then I realize it's better to be here alone and at peace than be connected to someone who doesn't respect me the way I deserve to be respected.

No Ceremony

I'm so lucky. I didn't realize just how lucky I was until I opened my eyes this morning and saw the light reflect through the makeshift stained glass windows. The things I can see and the feelings I can feel when one eye is poking out from behind the satin sheets.

I'm snug as a bug. I've got my flowers, my books, by blackout navy blue curtains, my colourful bed quilt, my red and yellow dresser, my red nightstands, glass red lamps...Oh gosh, the things I can dream up in this room, you can't imagine. I love it here...no drama...except for the kind I can concoct all by myself. That's the only kind I'll accept.

I am finalizing the last remaining details of my Will and Testament. Yes, that day has come to think about such things, about the finality of everything as I know it. 

Even here in my imagination, even here where I escape from the harshness of life, reality still manages to take a foothold. But, I'm going to make it beautiful. I'm going to make it count. 

There will be no funeral, no wake, no ceremony. My ashes will be scattered on the water somewhere of my choosing. No one will gather around for me. Let us rejoice eachother while alive. 

I don't care for your tears if your presence is non-existent...now. Stay away. I'm perfectly fine. I've been to enough funerals to know none of it actually matters. I see how people treat eachother. I see how family members fall short. I see how asleep we all are. I see how mean, cruel and petty we can be. I'll let none of that honour me in the end. I won't give anyone who didn't care in this life for me an opportunity to give some meaningless speech about how they wished they'd tried harder to be kinder. Fuck you!

Maybe some of my ancestors will greet me, maybe Mary will be there, maybe Jesus, angel Uriel ? Thank goodness for you all. I'll forget this place but first give it thanks. I hope I've gathered enough of myself to still exist. Maybe, just maybe, and only then, my suffering will finally make sense.