Friday, December 8, 2023


I add alizarin crimson and olive green to my landscape. That way, I can be a witness to my inner world. Now I see how one becomes two, how it separates itself in order to discover what it is.

I hear him speak...him and that Irish accent. I'm pulled back...back into that castle while surrounding hills roll about. I'm home there. 

The lush greens of this place, you can't even imagine. I close my eyes and it's all I see. I finally recognize myself. There, I see how I'm not my mother's daughter, how I'm not my father's daughter, how I'm not my siblings' sister. 

How did this happen?

I close my eyes back into reality. I feel the pull of my ancestry and those courageous and passionate Italians. I feel my maternal grandmother in my bones, my maternal grandfather in my blood. I feel the strength of my paternal grandmother and the sweetness of my paternal grandfather. 

I see them in the dark by candlelight. I see them digging and resurrecting, over and over again. I relate and then I can't relate... me and my irish bones...There I can make music. Here, I can only hear it. Like a distant memory bringing comfort in uncertain times.

I'm sitting on a rock again watching and listening to the waves. I'm not close to being at peace until I see that storm coming. Until it releases and paints this scene payne's grey and navy blue. 

This and that place can be cruel. Being stuck between two stools is merciless and relentless. To be aware of how things end without understanding why things are, is the biggest cruelty of all.

To feel things others seem oblivious an indescribable loneliness that no one or nothing can eradicate. 

I hear the Italian say, "Lighten up." Okay. I add more colour to my world. But first I add some white to bring down the saturation. I had always feared the colours becoming too muted and too muddy...mundane and lost in the mire of this existence.

I hear the Irish say, "You're the high priestess where secrets dwell." He's right. In that place, cool deep purples and blues dominate.

Whether here or there, it'll take you lifetimes to reach me.

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