Where do I start?
I met a man, or rather, a guy, online...one year ago, today. We started up a dialogue, which I thought had turned into a spiritual discussion, but, I was wrong. There was nothing spiritual about it.
I suffered from anxiety. It was the most trying and difficult time of my life, up until that point...Even being robbed at gunpoint, paled in comparison to what I was required to endure because of the anxiety. And, you know what? It's okay. Because I met this guy and he seemed really open, unique...different from the rest. Ah...and now I realize, that was just me putting him up on a pedestal the way I had done with the other one...the one who pretty much shaped the course and trajectory of my life.
In any case, through the dialogue and discussion, my anxiety began to subside in a real way. I was and am very grateful for that...and to him. He was a ray of sunshine in my life. I hold this gratitude in my heart. I hate it when a sweetness turns sour, though. I don't understand. I don't understand how one can claim to be compassionate and be so self-absorbed. It doesn't make any sense.
What do you think happens after nine months of dialogue? What do you think happens after writing to someone, consistently and "persistently", as he once put it, for that long? I thought he was my...friend. I thought we were developing a connection. But, no. He was only ever interested in me as a charity case and he can deny it all he wants...That's exactly how it was. I even tested him to see. His lack of "interest" in me, as a person, is pretty apparent.
I find it all so odd. Three months in, he let me have it when he thought I walked away without a word...after I'd taken a shot at his integrity. It was the first time I saw his human side and to be honest, I was relieved. I really did feel as though he lacked emotion, up until that incident...so, when I received two angry emails, I saw what I meant to him or rather, what I thought I meant to him. I thought I mattered a little bit. He implied that he cared...because I had never ever felt that from him. Looking back on it though, it was only his ego talking. He'd spent everyday with me for three months, again, as he put it...and by walking away the way I had, he thought I was being disrespectful and ungrateful. And even though that was all cleared up, I can't help but still feel that he only ever cared about his ego...or that he'd spent all that time with me because he was trying to "help" me discover who and what I am. He doesn't understand how insulting he can be. When he saw that I wasn't "getting it", he didn't see the point in the dialogue anymore...but, he still hung on, even though he sometimes, felt annoyed. He hung on??!! Like he's God's gift to the world and to me. Fuck off! It was alright for him to have expectations of me but not for me to have expectations of him??!!
I shared intimate details with this person...later, my artwork...just "stuff"....I guess, nothing but stories to a Neo-Advaita guy. And no, he never asked about me or my life..or anything, really, which just reinforces the idea that he was kind of like a teacher, mentor or counselor...only I never thought that's what I was signing up for. In fact, I never wanted that, again...not after my experiences with ex-mentor. I say that it was his ego talking because I felt that he needed to convince himself of his own "truth", that by imparting his understanding to me and by me finally "getting it", it meant that he had fulfilled his mission where I was concerned. He could pat himself on the back by having succeeded. He's so arrogant and can't see it.
I'm a fool. He said he wasn't closing any doors when he told me he wanted to limit email communication. Why would I want to walk through that door, again? Just so he never has to walk through mine? The implication is such that he maintains clear boundaries, that he doesn't "see" me the way I want to be seen, that he doesn't have to "give" of himself, and that we are not...friends...."online" friends, though, nonetheless. Really??!!
He asked what in me needs him as a friend, AFTER he had told me we were...but, since he has a bad short term memory, I didn't think it was wise of me to bring that up, so kept my mouth shut...because...well...he's always right. Who can *really* talk to anyone who thinks they're always right? I really don't feel that I was asking for anything out of the ordinary. Is it not natural for a connection to develop when two people are consistently conversing? What am I? Crazy? I resent having someone try and make me feel that there's something wrong with me for wanting something that is COMPLETELY NORMAL. Fuck off, again!
This is MY space. Here, I am understood. Here, I see the truth exactly how it is. Should I not take it personally? How easy for him if I didn't. Hmmm. How easy for him that I did!! Now, I'm out of his hair. That he can just tell me not to feel rejected and think that I wouldn't...Please. Give me a break.
Hey, but it really IS okay...because it's just life moving through me...just decisions being made for me. How fortunate for him. That's where he and I are different. I AM compassionate! I wasn't just a taker, you know? It wasn't him who was discarded and thrown away. Ever. It was me. I gave, too...of myself, more than he ever did, more than he ever could. I wanted him to feel like he could trust me...but, his walls are too damn thick and he doesn't want to share of himself...with me, anyway. Which is fine. I think he needs to feel important, to know that his time isn't being wasted. Like he's the only one who feels that way...I don't understand.
I really am shocked, to say the least. Almost two months since I last wrote, and not one peep from him. It really does go to show what you mean to a person...and in this case, that would be nothing. I'm glad I can see this truth. In a few months, he won't even matter to me, anymore. He'll be just someone I used to know...nothing more and nothing less....because I'm pretty convinced, I'm just someone he used to know, too, and far less important. I'm not even on his radar. It's not his fault...just how it is. Blah, blah, blah....Good riddance!
I can't help but hear the words, "All things created by man must come to an end..." How true. How true, indeed.
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