Another face of God

I head for the garden. A gentle storm is coming and I'm ready. I'm surrounded by short and tall trees, flowers, and a field of grass. It's almost dark. I take a deep breath and pray, my head towards the skies, "Come. Please, come."

I remove a piece of clothing at a time. First, my top, then, my pants, underwear and bra. I set them to the right, on the porch. I grab my book...my book of secrets and lay on the grass making sure to keep it close to my chest. And, I wait, eagerly and with great anticipation.

I hear the sound of thunder, notice the lightning. I'm slightly cold, which keeps me present. I clutch on tighter to my book, and close my eyes. Suddenly, I feel a mist. The rain is coming down...soft at first, and then harder...but, not too hard.

I open up the book. I want the water to wash away all of it. Every secret resides within, so why keep a record? The ink runs and stains, like watercolour on a canvas. I hear the voices through the trees, the rustling of the leaves...here, the water speaks and I take it all in, absorb every drop, because it's my nourishment and it knows how to feed me.

I set the book aside and raise my knees up, my feet settled on the ground, and I arch my head and chest, upward. I pray some more, "Wash away these stains...make me whole." I feel each pin prick, like tiny stars falling from the heavens.

I move my left arm to the side, my palm facing down, I take my right hand and place it between my breasts. I sense myself in a deeper way. I sense power with the rising and falling of my breath. And still, the water comes and I thank it for my blessings.

Then, I turn my body on its left side, and settle my right arm and hand on my right hip, while my left hand cradles my head. Oh God...the freedom...is paralyzing. It's now so dark that I rely on sound and I'm moved by how many sounds I can actually hear, how many sounds I fail to hear, otherwise, when I'm distracted by this or that thing. If I died, here, it would be the perfect death and the perfect birth. Just me and nature. Just me and the gods.

Suddenly, I notice a white light not too far from me. I lift my head. The light flickers between the trees. It draws closer. I try to focus my gaze while I wipe the rain from my eyes and face. Instinctively, I take my hair and cover my chest with it, as much as I can. The light draws closer still.

I notice wings...majestic wings...I've never seen before in my life...except in dreams and art pictures. I feel the fear as I stand there transfixed. I hear, "Come. Do not be afraid. You know I can be trusted." He's right. I do know that but I don't know "how" I know...

He's huge, overwhelmingly, beautiful...and intense...towering over me. He could easily devour me whole, but, that's not the plan. He takes a step back and lowers his left wing. "Go ahead." I raise my right arm, take my hand and touch part of his wing, with some hesitation, as though I were approaching a wild animal. And it dawns on me, the rain doesn't touch him...or...I...in this moment. He asks, "What do you want to know?" His voice is deep and penetrating. "I'll only answer once so mark my words." I answer, "I only want to look at you."

He speaks, "Rough night, yesterday, yes? And you called on me, did you not?" I nod, yes. "Did I not come? Stop doubting. I am here, as long as you want me to be. Do you understand? There's nothing to prove. Stop denying what you know to be true. I carry the sword and the flame. Through the heart, you will see the true from the false. The truth cannot be swayed. The more you deny, the more you will suffer. Do you want the flame or not?"

"I want the flame." He takes his hand, draws fire from his chest and places his hand in the center of my own chest. I feel the intensity of the heat. I see orange. It's painful. "You are ready to receive. Give. Be a vehicle for truth. You will not fail and I will be there. I am no figment of the imagination. You know this. Know thyself and create your destiny...Guard your book."

And just like that, he vanished. I feel the rain again. It's cooling. I drop to the ground. The tears come...tears of great joy and immense sorrow...a burning sensation from deep within. I want relief and at the same time, this tiny pain gives me great pleasure. I am free.