The Prince of Fire: Part 2

People are interesting. Though, not that interesting.

Some people are stupid and yes, they really are stupid.

I can be stupid, too.  I've been thinking about the words, "free spirit." What does it mean when someone says s/he is a free spirit? I'm beginning to see they aren't free spirits at all because being a free spirit doesn't give you permission to be an ass-hole.

I'm thinking these folks are simply...capricious. They're hot and cold. So bloody temperamental. They're of one mind today but of a different mind, tomorrow. Today, they'll say yes when they mean no and tomorrow, they'll say no when they mean yes. They can't keep their word. That's why they can't commit...to ANYthing. It's not because they're living in the moment. It's because they refuse to make any kind of decision that requires them to be kind to another, to be respectful. They don't want to be held accountable. They can be fickle, changeable, unpredictable...yes...capricious.

Good riddance.

Since when does being a "free spirit" give you the right to be disrespectful? To be a total shithead? To be inconsiderate? All I see is a spirit in chains. Fools.

Now, if a "free spirit" can treat me like a nobody...can treat someone like me, who's been nothing but good and kind to them, like a nobody, imagine how they are in the world with people they're actually close to? One might say, "Well, that's different." I say, "No, not different at all." How we treat anyone is how we treat everyone.

I like that I have respect for myself.

I will not be that woman who waits and waits and waits for some idiot to tell me that he forgot to do something, that he forgot to follow through with what he said he'd follow through with...not again. How much do you suppose a person cares when they do the opposite of what they say they're going to do? How much do you suppose you're even in their thoughts? How much can you matter?

You don't matter. If you mattered at all, they'd be apologizing...they'd be doing, at the very least, that much.

Oh...but wait a minute...hmmm...I guess I should be putting myself in the other person's shoes? I guess I should give them the benefit of the doubt? You know...because we all make mistakes. That's true. But, what if a person keeps making the same ones? Am I required to tolerate that?

No.

And, guess what? It's okay that they don't try to make things right. Because they've proven they don't matter, either.

Pearls & Secrets

I'm laughing. You should see how hard I'm laughing...

I apply rose lotion all over my body. I start with my thighs and move down my legs starting with the right and then the left. I apply and rub some on my belly and then my behind up along my chest making sure to give my breasts some extra attention. I smile. I'm amazed how I can laugh at myself. I'm also amazed at how well I can pamper myself, too. I'm really good at it.

I hear a voice, "Never give away your pearls for free, sweetie." I put my hair up and say, "Not a chance." I put on my silky panties with care. I'm in the moment. You can't rush such things. Well, you really shouldn't...

I grab for my bra. I like the way it feels between my fingers. I put it on with a little bit of grace.  A little bit of grace goes a long long way. I look good. I feel good. I've got what I need.

I'm ready.

I had an epiphany this afternoon and what an epiphany it was. The chains are gone. I wasn't really aware I even had them on until I had the revelation and suddenly, I felt a weight lift. Gravity wasn't holding me down. It had never been gravity. It was only ever my mind. Only my mind.

But, there were moments when my sense of gravity felt like it was coming from the outside and I can't ignore that. In a real sense, external circumstances did contribute to my heaviness. Sure, I must take responsibility for my own behavior but there are those we must be cautious of, who only want to take, who aren't upstanding folks, who don't care about you or your feelings.  In their eyes, you're nothing but eye candy or dessert. They want to devour but they haven't even asked permission for a taste...

My mind was playing tricks on me. I was beginning to feel unworthy. My sense of self-worth was being determined by how the other treated me. Not anymore!

I open the closet and decide to go with a sensual outfit. I'm not going anywhere. It's all for my pleasure, right here at home. I try on some high heel shoes. These fit just right, I think. I smile again.

I pour a glass of wine, play some soft music, light some candles. What have I got to lose? Nothing. But, I have everything to gain. I'm so lucky. You have no idea how lucky I am. In my misfortune, I see my luck. I see how the wheel turns. I see how nothing stays the same. I see how things move. I move with the ebb and flow of this life.

I feel good in my body. I'm at home in my body. I'm sacred with my body. I love how one can see but cannot touch. That's my power. Let him see. Let him want. Let him try...to touch. He'll fail. He failed even before he began because I hold all the cards. I'm the gateway and no one's keeper.

Too bad he couldn't figure out that by giving a little, he would have received a whole lot in return.

I'm in tact. I've always been in tact. I decide. I decide. I decide who is worthy or unworthy.

I dance the night away like I've never danced before and the Moon watches. She watches and listens. I watch and listen. How mysterious this all is. I hold my head up high as much as I can because looking down doesn't produce much, except for bad feelings and bad tastes. I want more. I want depth. I've got enough of the superficial and the mundane. Give me some depth. And life delivers, unadulterated, every single time.

I bow my head and give thanks. That's the only time I'll look down...

The Prince of Fire

I walk along an open field. There is no path. I create my own. To my right are trees and on my far left, a body of water.  Where shall I go and what will I do? Here, it doesn't matter.

I remove my white silky scarf with my right hand and drag it along the grass as I walk. My thoughts are being carried by the wind. It's grey and blue out here...again. I let the wind do whatever it does. My hair moves like this and like that and it's just fine with me.

I turn around. No one else is here. I'm glad.

I drop the scarf.

I walk further along and remove my shoes. I leave a trail of my things behind me in case he decides to look for me. What will he do? What will he do? I wonder. I doubt he'll come. The disappointment is leaving me now. I prepared for this moment, this moment right here. It's okay if he does not come. I need a man. A man would come. So, I hang onto this wish like a piece of clothing wrapped around my body, to help me remember how that's exactly what I need. There is no room for compromise.

I keep walking...oh, how lovely the grass feels beneath my feet. Even the grass knows how to love. Too bad for man...A man who has not loved has not lived. A man who has not mourned love, does not know what love is. A man who has loved, who has truly loved, will learn to love again.

I'm tender with my purple dress as I set it down. I imagine it will still be there should I decide to turn back and retrieve it. As I walk, I imagine it laying there, listless and spent. I imagine the wind breathing life into it, creating tiny waves in the fabric. I smile. I come here so that the wind will breathe life into me, too.

I feel slightly cool and that's okay. I take a deep breath and then exhale in my usual way. So what if he doesn't come for me? No, he won't. He won't. I'm sure of it. He's never given me any indication that he would. One time, I disappeared for five weeks. He didn't call once. It's just rejection, I tell myself. It's only rejection. This time too shall pass.

He's a free spirit. He comes and he goes. He's like the wind.

And unlike the wind...because he thinks he's free but he really isn't. Only a fool believes he's really free.

It's alright that I'm not wanted. It's alright that he isn't interested in me. It's alright that he's only looking for a good time. It's alright that he'd rather laugh than cry. It's alright that he wants to keep things light and superficial.

But, I'm not superficial. I'm not free. Nor am I like the wind.

I can't even expect anything from him. I want him to do without me having to ask. He's never once bought me a coffee. He's offered but...I'm regressing...I'm being petty...or am I?

He doesn't believe in love. He won't give unless he's been given to. And what shall I give him? This man who can't even keep his word when he says he'll be back and then doesn't return? I end up being the stupid one for waiting. I become the fool. Tell me, what shall I give him? Shall I ask him out? So we can have a good time today and then tomorrow, he ignores me? How can people not see that how we do anything is how we do everything? I won't take that risk. To invest in a person who doesn't care.  And, I'm not like other women. I won't call and make a fuss but inside, it's been imprinted. I don't forget. Three strikes and he's out. Well, maybe more than a few strikes...Ah, he probably wouldn't even mind. As soon as he got a whiff that he couldn't get what he wanted from me, he bailed. Maybe he wanted to see if we were sexually compatible. What guy wouldn't want to discover the truth of that? But, I'm a lady and he works backwards...

More clouds make their way now. I long for rain. It won't fail me and sure enough, I feel some tiny drops on my cheeks and lips and on my palms, as I lift them up.

We're two different people, he and I. I remove my panties now and my bra. The rain is coming down. Down. Down. Down. I belong to the Earth. I belong to the elements. I belong to the Heavens. He couldn't handle someone like me, anyway. And he probably knew that.

Maybe I'm truly the free one after all...

Empty spaces

I say something nasty to him. I defend myself and then walk away, as fast as possible to the other end of the building. I know this building well. I've been in it so many times. I know where all the stairs are, where they lead to. I know every passage way, every exit sign. He doesn't.

But, I expect the impossible. I expect him to come for me. I expect him to find me. I doubt he even got up to follow me.

I notice a statuette of Mary on the floor behind a glass room. That's where I'll go, I think. That's where I'll sit. That's where I'll wait for him. When I finally find a little spot on the floor, I look through the glass wall, but I don't see Mary anymore. To my left is a small shrine. I see Buddha and other symbols that comfort me, for a moment.

Someone inside the room draws the curtains. Now, I can't see anything. Then I realize, there's a class of small children learning a new language. I'm guessing.

I feel out of place. And, he never arrives. I stare at the grey carpet. I notice white walls, everywhere. I don't like this place. It feels cold. I feel cold. I feel lost. I feel disconnected. I feel alone. It's always the same thing, day in and day out. There's no colour here. Where's the colour...the colour of my life? My Soul? Is this all I'm made up of? Even Mary didn't linger here for too long...

Truths & Lies

I grab for some tissue as fast as I can to wipe off the blood trickling down my leg. The blood gets everywhere. I only have a few pieces of tissue - small squares. It reminds me of Cuba, when I headed for the lady's room and a man outside guarding the door gave me two pieces of toilet paper for a small fee...I panic. I wonder where the blood is coming from because now I see droplets over my dress. I move the fabric to the side to avoid the blood touching and staining my dress...my navy blue dress. I think how I'm more worried about the possibility of my dress getting stained than the blood on my body running down my leg...

There's no more paper. And, no one's around to help. I keep wiping but I only spread the blood. I see three women in the distance. I feel like they can see me but they don't move towards me. They just stare.

I think of him now, as I wipe desperately. I'm wiping my shoe, my grey ankle boot. I don't know why I bother. I'm only making things worse.

Now, I see his vehicle. I remember wiping down his vehicle clean...being sure to remove every spot so it shone nicely in the sunlight. His car is definitely clean...but, I'm not. I'm full of spots and he's not around to help me remove them...

What do I do? I just sit there. No wait. I find a quiet space, away from the window. I need some privacy. I need some alone time. I am alone.  I take off my clothes. It's too late to salvage these garments now. I set them aside. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I walk past one of the rooms in this large house. I can't find the washroom. Where's the washroom?

Finally. I enter the space like it's a sanctuary...my sanctuary. I turn on the faucet and get inside the tub. I draw the curtains. The water feels good on my skin. I'm taken aback by how red my blood is. Wow. I see the opening. I see where the blood is coming from. I understand. I understand. It's all making sense. I feel a little faint but I'll be okay.

The water cleanses me whole and I smile. I smile. I'm perfectly fine all on my own. I look at my body as though it was the first time. Today, I like my body. I think I had it wrong before. My astral body houses my physical body and not the other way around...

I'm free. I'm free. Free to love again. I've always been free to love. Who's going to take that away from me? No one. Certainly, not me.

'Casual' Relationships

We're together in his home.

He points to a house outside and says, "That's where I live." I'm confused and think - Oh, he has two homes. And, so close together??

I keep looking at the house outside. I notice the upstairs curtains are drawn open and wide. I imagine seeing someone come to the window. I imagine catching the person's silhouette. I imagine seeing a shadow, a glimpse of a person. I keep staring at it and then think to tell a joke by saying, "Oh, who's that woman standing at the window?" But, I don't. I don't dare...because a part of me is worried I already know the truth, that if I see a woman standing at that window, she must be his.

I understand myself in that moment. I understand a fundamental truth about myself. I don't want to ever be the 'other woman'.

He takes my hands and we both kneel down. I know what's coming next. I want but, not like this. It looks like we're in that space between the kitchen and living room. I instantly feel a disconnect, like he's playing a role, the same role he plays with every woman. I don't feel his heart. I see that he doesn't 'see' me. He only connects with my body but he fails to see that I can't connect with him unless he's connected to all of me. 

I immediately think - Oh no, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. I must go. I need to go. My integrity must remain intact. I will not give of myself so freely. He isn't worthy. I must have seen his smile a hundred times but here, it wreaks of meaninglessness. I can't engage. I'm trying to extract something more from his eyes, those hands...but, I can't. There's nothing to extract. I can't take what he isn't offering. I can't take what he's unwilling to give. I can't take what isn't there. I can't absorb. I can't process. I'm just a body. I'm only a body. I'm nothing more than this body...to him - he, who seeks pleasure.

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door and he looks at me. I smile back at him. He turns to answer it. I'm surprised. It dawns on me that I'm in my underwear. I try to conceal myself. It's a man and three children. They enter the home. I think - why wouldn't he want to protect me, conceal me or encourage me to go into another room so that I don't feel exposed? I see that he doesn't cherish me. But, he doesn't...he doesn't lift a finger to show me I'm worth something to him, which means I must not mean all that much. He doesn't value me. I try to enter another room through the hallway, discreetly. The man and three children walk past but they don't look at me. They don't even know that I'm there. I am invisible. 

I notice two boxes of tampons and pads on the floor by the wall. I wonder who they belong to. I pretend it doesn't bother me too much...to see these tampons and pads.

The next thing I remember is being at a friend's home. It's a gathering. I notice some of the men from my neighborhood cafe sitting on one of the sofas. I see him sitting on the opposite sofa with a woman. I'm standing by a kitchen table. I look at him. He doesn't look at me. The woman he's with laughs. Her hair is up in a bun. She's beautiful. A couple comes to the kitchen table to greet me. I hadn't noticed they were there before. I continue to look over at him but he never looks my way. He pretends not to know me.

He doesn't have to pretend, though, does he? Truth is, he doesn't know me.

Sex & Love Are Not The Same

It's so interesting to me...how a person can enter your life and want things from you he hasn't earned yet.  It's set up as a transaction right from the beginning. They come with their preconceived notions of how people are...how women are...and think they can turn the tide in their favour knowing full well they'd have to bend or break the rules to get others to comply.

They turn on the charm, the charisma, the sweet talk...but they have nothing to show for any of it. And, I'm supposed to smile and think I've found a goldmine? Because they're honouring me with their presence?! I ought to feel lucky? Flattered? That they're giving me attention? Really? Is that it? Man is a coward! And a thief! He's got psychological issues that run so deep, no one can save him. The moment a woman shows her intelligence, he walks the other way because he can't stand being challenged. I laugh because that's exactly what should happen when a man behaves so egotistically. Who I am helps to weed out what I don't want in my life.

The problem occurs when a woman thinks she can change a man, fix a man...when she thinks she can get him to commit to her. Bad idea! The only person left hurting is the one trying to change what IS. Why chase after a man who doesn't *really* want you? What good is he if he doesn't ask about you, if he isn't concerned with who and what you are? If he doesn't keep his word? If he acts like a fool or an immature child?! What good is he to you? When you chase, and he only ever gives you crumbs, you subconsciously tell yourself you're unworthy.  You tell yourself that if he admires and is into you, then that validates your worth. But, that's not right. Let him go. He's nothing but an energy sucker. If you have to wonder how he feels about you, he's not feeling much of anything. He's not good for you. He only wants to bed you. He only wants a warm body by his side. He only wants, wants, wants...and he'll take if you're giving. So, stop giving...not unless you want to feel depleted.

Yeah, he said I was complicated, difficult, that I was hard work. Damn right I am. If I was too simple, or rather, too easy, he would have had his way with me already. I've told you a few times before. Man is cheap.  He wants but he doesn't want to pay the price. And, if you give away freely, he won't value any of it! If I don't have my honour, how will I be honoured? Once he's had his way with you, he'll throw you away like a piece of trash. Why? Because he set it up right from the get go that you didn't have a right to expect anything from him. If you want a one night stand, go for it...but I don't. Hey, if you want to continue giving each other pleasure from time to time, go for it, too! But, don't think for one second those moments will ever translate into anything more substantial.  I'm not that woman.

I decided long ago that I will not allow myself to be defiled. I don't care what he looks like, what he says, what he owns...none of it makes any difference to me. If he can't look me straight in the eye when I ask him a question, if he runs away like a scared little boy when I ask for clarification, I have no use for him. His good looks are waning, ladies...that's why he gravitates towards women who can take care of themselves...so that he doesn't have to wine and dine them.  And, it's not that you need wining and dining, it's that you're worth so much more than the silly games he plays. They're lonely men who have no interest in you, only what you can offer them.

The question becomes, What do they have to offer you? And, is what they're offering worth the price you'll have to pay for getting to know them? You'll never know this kind of man. He won't let you in. He doesn't want to be tied down. He doesn't want the attachment. He doesn't want you. You're just another face among other faces.  You're just another notch on his belt. A good woman will pay the higher price...to her detriment. An average man will walk away and never look back, once his ego is satiated...And off he goes in search of his next comfort. That's the difference. I don't know about you. But, it looks like a no brainer to me.  What you want and what you deserve, is out there. It is. I promise you. You'll know you've found a gem when you're both on the same page and you don't have to wonder how he feels. You'll just know it. There won't be any doubts. Remember these lyrics - Stevie Nicks sang them well...Lovers only love you when they're playing...